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California Man Sues Penis-Enlargment Firms 733

Posted by timothy from the bravely-facing-ridicule dept.
Ronin writes "The DenverPost reports that 'A California man on Thursday sued a slew of international companies, including a Greeley distributor, alleging the penis-enlargement products they market and distribute do not work.' One of the highlights of the article is when the man says "I was wondering for a long time why no one has gotten around to suing these penis-enlargement guys, because it seems like a pretty blatant ... fraud." Probably cause people are too embarrased to say they've tried it."
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California Man Sues Penis-Enlargment Firms More

California Man Sues Penis-Enlargment Firms

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  • Doesn't work (Score:5, Insightful)

    by ChaoticLimbs ( 597275 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:45PM (#8221692) Journal
    These things prey on people's desperation and feelings of inadequacy. I mean really, even a tiny dude can score if his head game is good.

    • Re:Doesn't work (Score:5, Funny)

      by jnp42 ( 224647 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:49PM (#8221734)
      Reminds me of a joke. Guy picks up a girl at a bar. They go back to his place and things are going well for the guy... until he drops his trousers and the woman points to his crotch and asks, "who the hell do you think you're going to please with that?"

      Guy responds, "Me."

      • Another relevant joke... (Score:5, Funny)

        by hirschma ( 187820 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:19PM (#8221965)
        An oldie, but goody:

        After a long makeout session, a man and his girlfriend are about to have sex for the first time. Dude starts undressing, shoes and socks come off first, and the girl asks: "What happened to your feet? They're all messed up!"

        Guy says, "As a kid, I had tolio".

        She shrugs it off, but when the pants come off, well, there's something odd there, too. The guy notices the look on her face, and says, "As a kid, I had the kneesles".

        The rest of the clothes come off. When the girl sees his package, she gets exasperated and says, "Let me guess, smallcocks, right?"

        • and yet another one (Score:5, Funny)

          by sirmalloc ( 648119 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:29PM (#8222030)
          a guy and his newlywed wife are on their honeymoon, getting ready to have sex for the first time.

          before getting any further, the guy warns his wife: "i just want to let you know, i'm like a baby down there."

          the wife responds: "it's okay. i love you no matter what."

          the man then takes off his clothes and the wife falls off the bed and exclaims: "i thought you said you were like a baby down there!"

          he responds: "i am. it's 12" long and weighs 9 pounds."

      • obligatory bill gates' joke (Score:4, Funny)

        by QEDog ( 610238 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:46PM (#8222108)
        Right after his honey moon, Bill Gates' wife tells him: "Now I understand why is it called Microsoft".

    • Re:Doesn't work (Score:5, Insightful)

      by the_ed_dawg ( 596318 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:00PM (#8221843) Journal
      I think that the most obvious reason to believe that they don't work is the fact that you don't see them in every store in the USA. Let's face it... if they worked, they'd probably be selling better than crack.

    • Re:Doesn't work (Score:5, Insightful)

      by JPriest ( 547211 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:01PM (#8221853) Homepage
      It is about time someone went after spammers for false advertisement. If the spammers want to claim that spam is a legit method of marketing than thay can be subject to the same rules and regulations as any other advratisement media.

    • Taco said it best (Score:5, Funny)

      by MikeXpop ( 614167 ) <mike@nOSPAM.redcrowbar.com> on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:53PM (#8222466) Journal
      1. Your penis is small.
      2. You thought LONGitude was a worthy investment towards solving #1
      3. Your penis is still small.
      4. You are fscking cheap and willing to swallow the embarassment of admitting all of the above just to reclaim your sixty bucks, even tho any male with one drop of self respect would simply forget the 60 bucks to save himself the embarassment of admitting that he is stupid, cheap and has a small dick.

      - Taco [cmdrtaco.net]

    • Here's what I don't understand (Score:5, Insightful)

      by Moraelin ( 679338 ) on Monday February 09, 2004 @03:58AM (#8223818) Journal
      Even the ones hawking these things tell you that the average size for a human is something like 6.1 inches. And that the vast majority of humans have "only" that size.

      So basically guess what? Anyone who "only" has 6 inches -- or is within, say, +/- 10% of that -- is just a perfectly normal member of the human species.

      Why, in Odin's name, would anyone feel desperate and inadequate for being perfectly normal? WTH? Since when it's inadequate to _not_ be a mutant?

      I mean, what next? Spam for pills to grow a 6'th finger on your hands? Or to grow an elephant trunk instead of a nose? Or to grow a giraffe neck?

      The whole thing seems stupid beyond belief to me.

      • Re:Here's what I don't understand (Score:5, Insightful)

        by Civil_Disobedient ( 261825 ) on Monday February 09, 2004 @02:59PM (#8228922)
        I believe the appropriate reponse might contain the comment, "Karma is a bitch." When Jane Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe were popular in the 50's, women were faced with unrealistic expectations -- and have had cope with lower self-esteem and in some cases increased health risks (implants). Nowadays crap like Sex in the City and Coupling tell guys they will simply not be memorable lovers if they're aren't donkies. Never mind technique. Never mind that most normal women do have an upper bound on "comfortable" size that likely isn't that much larger then the guy in question. No, if you're going to satisfy your woman, you've got to split her in half.

        Ask yourself how many guys would want to date a woman based on her breast size? That's probably a similar number to how many women would go for a larger guy. Now, think about that first number, and subtract how many guys could still have a happy relationship with a woman regardless of her chest?

        In other words, Yes, women care, a few more than others, but not so many that it's causing you to lose potential dates. There are probably other factors that rank far higher (spending all your time on /., for instance).

  • It's about time! (Score:5, Interesting)

    by zeroprime ( 732475 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:45PM (#8221697) Homepage
    Perhaps this will convince those spammers, that not everybody is stupid enough to buy their snake-oil. If they keep losing money from lawsuits, maybe they'll just crawl back in their holes and rot.

  • A new front against Spam (Score:4, Interesting)

    by W32.Klez.A ( 656478 ) * on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:45PM (#8221700) Homepage
    Perhaps one of the reasons is because many times it's hard to track down the guys actually this shit? If most of the time people can't even catch the spammers themselves, how can a simple guy who wants to make his penis grow find someone who's probably went to great lengths to mask their identity?

    As silly as it sounds, if some people who've been duped could get a class action lawsuit going, they could simultaneously go after spammers.

  • Whoa... (Score:5, Funny)

    by Cytlid ( 95255 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:45PM (#8221701)
    ...at first I read that as "Denver Man Sues Penis-Enlargement Farms".

  • Duh (Score:5, Funny)

    by aynrandfan ( 687181 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:46PM (#8221704)
    A California man on Thursday sued a slew of international companies, including a Greeley distributor, alleging the penis-enlargement products they market and distribute do not work.

    And the judge replied: "Duh, fucknut. Get out of my courtroom."

  • Technicality (Score:5, Funny)

    by rmarll ( 161697 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:46PM (#8221709) Journal
    If your penis doesn't enlarge when you rub cream on it, maybe you're buying the wrong product.

  • Let's hope he wins (Score:5, Funny)

    by Colonel Cholling ( 715787 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:47PM (#8221711)
    If his lawsuit is successful and these penis-enlargement companies get put out of business, my inbox should become considerably less cluttered.

  • Man... (Score:5, Funny)

    by kid-noodle ( 669957 ) <jono@NosPAM.nanosheep.net> on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:47PM (#8221712) Homepage
    Takes some balls to do that..

    Gonna be a hard case to win mind ;)

    (That took far too much effort.. Must touch up on my wang referencing skills)

  • Small wonder (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:48PM (#8221726)
    I'm amazed that they got a million people to sign onto the class action suit. Essentially that means 1,000,000 men are willing to stand up and say "hi, I have an abnormally small penis AND I was stupid enough to respond to spam".

  • its like my friends idea for a scam: (Score:5, Funny)

    by yuri82 ( 236251 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:48PM (#8221727) Homepage Journal
    1) advertise for sexual products of the kinky kind
    2) charge $3 for the product
    3) never deliver
    4) when customer complains, mail a check for $3 with bold letters saying "RETURN FOR HUGE ANAL DILDO"
    5) customer never has the courage to cash the check
    6) ...
    7) Profit !!

  • Lawyer money (Score:5, Funny)

    by Rosco P. Coltrane ( 209368 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:48PM (#8221730)
    The DenverPost reports that 'A California man on Thursday sued a slew of international companies, including a Greeley distributor, alleging the penis-enlargement products they market and distribute do not work

    I hope he doesn't plan on paying his lawyers with the money he's waiting for from his business associate and dear friend, Dr. Adelawe Johnson in Lago, Nigeria ...

    • Re:Lawyer money (Score:5, Funny)

      by rampant mac ( 561036 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:22PM (#8221982)
      Good Day,

      You may be suprised to receive this email since you do not know me. I am the son of the late president of Democratic Republic Of Zaire, President Mobutu Sese Seko, and I have an enormous penis. I presume you are aware there is a financial dispute between my family ( THE MOBUTU ) and the present penis-enlargement spammers [denverpost.com]. This is based on what they believe as bad and corrupt information on my late father's part. May his soul (and penis) rest in perfect peace. You might have heard how a lot of my father's considerable "bulk" has been frozen in Switzerland and North America.

      Following the above named reasons, I am soliciting for your humble and confidential assistance to take custody of THIRTY MILLION Viagra pills, and open your gateway for me in the areas of business so I can spam half of humanity.

      Warmest regards,

      Joseph Mobutu Sese-Seko

  • In shocking development (Score:4, Funny)

    by GonzoDave ( 743486 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:49PM (#8221739)
    Man launches case against spammers after learning that Hot Lesbian Teens Do Not Want His Throbbing Cock Right Now!

  • The next lawsuit (Score:5, Funny)

    by www.sorehands.com ( 142825 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:51PM (#8221753) Homepage
    Up next. Woman sues penish enlargment pill seller for making her boyfriend's penis too large. Their response, "Why should my client be responsible if her eyes are bigger than her ..."

  • This is a Good Thing (Score:5, Interesting)

    by nordicfrost ( 118437 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:52PM (#8221767)
    If we allwent out, suing and legally harassing these sam firms at each and every opportunity, we'd get somewhere. I have made it my personal goal to chase the bastards down on each opportuinty I get. Where I live, spam is in effect illegal and I have gotten four (4) spams from Norwegian companies since my main email address went up some six years ago. All of them were reported to the state consumer ombudsman (what you don't have one?) Three of them have resulted in reprimandes and none of them repeated the offence.

    Get down from you high horses and start the hand to hand combat!

    • Mostly because.. (Score:5, Interesting)

      by Kjella ( 173770 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:42PM (#8222406) Homepage
      ..norwegian spammers aren't all too bright either, or well depending on how you look at it. Every Norwegian spam (or at least every one in Norwegian, 2-3 or so) has been directly from Norwegian servers with a clear and tracable path.

      The day I start getting SPAM in Norwegian "from" China, is the day I worry. Then the advertised firm will claim innocents and outsourcing it to a third party in a foreign country, I'm not so sure how effective the anti-spam laws will be. Time will tell....

      Kjella

  • evidence? (Score:5, Funny)

    by DJ Marvin ( 750482 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:52PM (#8221772)
    LOL! i guess he got to know that empirically. kinda embarrasing going to court with the evidence, don't you think?? :P

  • I can't remember where I read this, but... (Score:5, Informative)

    by BW_Nuprin ( 633386 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:52PM (#8221774)
    ...from what I've read, a woman's vagina only has sensitivity in the first 3.75 inches, so big wang dang doodles don't really make a difference. However, if your cirumference is less than 3.75", you're measuring in at less than the necessary width to apply pressure to the walls of the vagina, and you might as well just stick it in the mud, 'cause its not going to do any good. So, really, wangular width is whats important.

  • I found it: The solution to spam AND SCO (Score:5, Funny)

    by beforewisdom ( 729725 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:52PM (#8221775)
    The solution to both spam AND SCO:

    1. Get the spamming community to use linux.

    2. SCO sues spammers on copyright charges, drains spammers of funds.

    3. Spammers destroy SCO's site permantly.

    Steve

  • I know something that works... (Score:4, Interesting)

    by Upaut ( 670171 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:56PM (#8221801) Homepage Journal
    The field of anthropology facinates me... In one of the texts that I read, I found mention to the Topinama tribe of Brazil. These people lived as they were until the 16th century, and had a very interesting practice. The men would have a local venomous snake bite their penises, and after six months of mind-altering agony, their shlongs had become very long. Now, what I want to know is how this happened (and what type of snake was used)?

  • Insulting. (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Sunday February 08, 2004 @07:59PM (#8221829)
    I recently got a spam which said:
    > Become 10 times the man you are,
    > increase your length by two inches!

    Let's see, two divided by ten ... hey, I'm feeling offended!

    • Re:Insulting. (Score:5, Funny)

      by niittyniemi ( 740307 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:19PM (#8221964) Homepage

      I got one that said:

      > Are you one of the 80% of men
      > with a smaller than average penis?

      Can anybody see the logical phallusy in that?

      • Depends... (Score:5, Informative)

        by Goonie ( 8651 ) * <robert...merkel@@@benambra...org> on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:03PM (#8222195) Homepage
        If by average you are talking about the artihmetic mean [wolfram.com], if the distribution is skewed it's quite possible to have 80% of people having a below-average size. Consider a group of 10 men, 8 of whom measure 13 cm, and 2 who measure 20. Voila, 80% of our group have a smaller-than-average member. By contrast, it would be logically impossible for 80% of men to have a penis smaller than the median [wolfram.com].

        In practice, many, many natural statistics are normally distributed, and it would be a reasonable guess that penis length is. Therefore, the mean and the median will be the same.

  • Well good for him (Score:5, Interesting)

    by MillionthMonkey ( 240664 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:00PM (#8221837)
    This was a shiny dollar bill on the ground waiting to be picked up, and it didn't occur to anybody to do it. I mean, the claims being made are pretty blatantly falsifiable. Take someone's money and make their penis longer? How hard is it really to verify to the satisfaction of a court that these claims are fraudulent? This is blatant fraud, relying on the fact that nobody wants to file a suit on behalf of guys with small penises who respond to spam. This guy obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks of him and I can really respect that.

    I have a question for all you Slashdot lawyers, who are always good for some creative interpretation of the law. Is it possible for me to form and sue on behalf of a class, and name another class as the defendant? Specifically, I would like to sue on behalf of everyone who has received a penis-enlargement spam and did not respond to it, and I would seek damages against the class of individuals who received this spam and did respond to it. And I would specifically like to include in my definition of this latter class those individuals who seek relief in this case, so that I can place a lien on any judgments squeezed out of Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy for failing to lengthen the members of this class as promised. Part of that money is required to cover my email deletion charges.

    • Re:Well good for him (Score:5, Informative)

      by triclipse ( 702209 ) <slashdot AT combslaw DOT cc> on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:41PM (#8222400) Homepage
      Yes, IAAL :)

      Is it possible for me to form and sue on behalf of a class, and name another class as the defendant?
      No, you cannot name a "class" as defendants, no such animal. However, you can name a very large number of defendants (though they will not called a "class" no matter how many you name).

      Although the rules for class actions differ from state to state, and from state to federal, I am quite certain that no jurisdiction entertain the possibility of a "class" of defendants.

      I would like to sue on behalf of everyone who has received a penis-enlargement spam and did not respond to it.

      When I get the time, I am seriously going to start a spamlaw practice, but until then I must refer you to federal law ("Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing Act of 2003") [spamlaws.com] and California law - "Restrictions On Unsolicited Commercial E-mail Advertisers" - Business and Professions Code 17529 et. seq. [spamlaws.com].

      California consumers have the right to sue spammers directly and get their attorneys fees paid! See B&P code 17529.8(a)(1):
      "In addition to any other remedies provided by this article or by any other provisions of law, a recipient of an unsolicited commercial e-mail advertisement transmitted in violation of this article, an electronic mail service provider, or the Attorney General may bring an action against an entity that violates any provision of this article to recover either or both of the following:
      (A) Actual damages.
      (B) Liquidated damages of one thousand dollars ($1,000) for each unsolicited commercial e-mail advertisement transmitted in violation of Section 17529.2, up to one million dollars ($1,000,000) per incident.
      (2) The recipient, an electronic mail service provider, or the Attorney General, if the prevailing plaintiff, may also recover reasonable attorney's fees and costs."

      I would seek damages against the class of individuals who received this spam and did respond to it.

      You will have to read the statute to see if it will fit, but if I were to assign this a Fark tag, it would be "Unlikely."

      Happy suing!

  • They must work... (Score:5, Funny)

    by Music To Eat ( 594768 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:00PM (#8221838)
    If he can be in both Denver and California at the same time.

  • Plan B! (Score:5, Funny)

    by alexmogil ( 442209 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:00PM (#8221842) Homepage Journal
    "Gentelmen, we've been outfoxed. Time to go to Plan B!"

    R3AL V@GINAL SHRINKING CREAM!

    Men! Do your wives complain that your manhood just doesn't measure up? Slip your woman some VSC and in two to three weeks your woman will be wondering what she was complaining about!

    SIZE DOES MATTER!

    beowulf289028344street12

  • Oh, so THERE they are! (Score:5, Funny)

    by cjpez ( 148000 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:04PM (#8221881) Homepage Journal
    Excellent. I'm hoping it'll be easy to get a list of the people involved in the class action. Those are those jerks who have been encouraging spammers by replying to junk email. Get 'em!

  • My own penis-enlargement scheme (Score:5, Funny)

    by ScottSpeaks! ( 707844 ) * on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:10PM (#8221913) Homepage Journal
    I've been tempted to set myself up with some spamware to send out the real secret to penis enlargement: play with it. If that doesn't work: get someone else to play with it.

    I've found it works pretty well for me. (Proof available on request.)

  • Wonder how'll he submit that evidence..... (Score:4, Funny)

    by rune2 ( 547599 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:13PM (#8221925) Homepage
    What is he going to do, drop his trousers for the judge?

  • Interesting previous article on DM Contact Mgt (Score:5, Informative)

    by Saint Aardvark ( 159009 ) * on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:26PM (#8222011) Homepage Journal
    DM Contact Management, mentioned in the article as one of the targets of the lawsuit, was also mentioned in this article [siliconvalley.com] from November about a guy getting arrested for sending threatening letters to spammers [slashdot.org].

    Advanced Botanicals Inc's contact page can be found here [advancedbotanicals.com]. They're listed on this page [fda.gov] as having different products refused entry to the US [fda.gov] for false labelling.

  • News for nerds... (Score:5, Funny)

    by donnz ( 135658 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @08:35PM (#8222053) Homepage Journal
    my guess this is: ...stuff that matters?

  • What price dignity? (Score:5, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:03PM (#8222191)
    Judging by past class action suits, about $10.00 per member of the class. And a few million each for the lawyers.

    So every woman in Denver will know that this guy has a small cock, AND no money!

    Why is he doing this, again?

  • Why Englargment Pills Sell Despite Not Working (Score:5, Insightful)

    by $criptah ( 467422 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:04PM (#8222204) Homepage

    From a social engineering point of view, selling penis enlargement pills can bring a very limited amount of loss. Just imagine, you are a guy who is concerned about his manhood. You buy tons of expensive pills to find out that none of them work. Would you advertise it to the rest of the world? Would you have enough balls to tell a sweet young lady on the other side of the phone that your penis is still small despite that four hundred dollars that you have spent in the past six months? Probably not.

    Additionally, you cannot argue when it comes to shady products such as penis enlargement and dieting pills. Usually when you get those items, you get many disclosures that state "Not approved by FDA" and "results may vary." How are you going to argue against that? If you do not believe me, go to any GNC store and get a bottle of any *magic* pills that promise to turn you into a pro-bodybuilder with an eleven-inch manhood. Then read what it says on the bottle... then, if you dare, go and use it. Then go and complain about your results if you find them to be unsatisfactory. At best, everybody is going to laugh at you.

  • Damn !! (Score:5, Funny)

    by thales ( 32660 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:05PM (#8222205) Homepage Journal
    Damn it, they don't work!!

    I Was looking forward to buying Mega Doses of Penis Enlarger treatments for Darl's Cellmate when he lands in the pound-me-in-the-ass prison!

    • Re:Damn !! (Score:5, Insightful)

      by 0x0d0a ( 568518 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:48PM (#8222438) Journal
      Rich white criminals don't land in pound-me-in-the-ass prisons.

      America's judicial system may be better than a lot of systems around the world, but neither is it free of corruptino.

    • Alternative! (Score:5, Funny)

      by rjh ( 40933 ) <rjh@sixdemonbag.org> on Sunday February 08, 2004 @11:03PM (#8222806)
      May I suggest using the money to buy mega cartons of Marlboros for Darl's cellmate when he lands in Pound-Me-In-the-Ass prison? While you're at it, make sure to mention that you're a "friend" of Darl's and it'd be such a "shame" if anything "unpleasant" happened to him...

      Given that Darl is bound to wind up married to the man with the most cigarettes, the trick is to make sure the right man (or in this case, the most "oh dear Lord have mercy God NOOOOOOOOOO!" man) has the most cigarettes. :)

      Cigarettes: Viagra for the penal system!

  • So? Even if this works... (Score:4, Interesting)

    by Esion Modnar ( 632431 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:18PM (#8222285)
    the spammers will just put "for entertainment purposes only" or words to that effect in the fine teeny-weeny legal speak.
    Psychic hotlines been doing that for years.

    OTOH, I've heard those penis pumps (with prolonged use) actually do make your penis slightly larger, but that they also turn it into a big numb sausage hardly fit for peeing out of, never mind sex.

  • It's not the size of a lawsuit that matters... (Score:5, Funny)

    by ErnstKompressor ( 193799 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:22PM (#8222305) Homepage
    It's how you use it...

    To which the ladies reply, "Yeah, right."
  • There was something several years ago about a company with a money back offer if you weren't pleased with their porn / product (I forget which) and they issued a check from something like "Anal Rape and Masturbation company" and they made a bunch of money because everyone was too embarassed to cash the check. I think it might have even been on Slashdot.

  • Am I the only one? (Score:5, Funny)

    by Crypto Gnome ( 651401 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @09:39PM (#8222390) Homepage Journal
    Am I the only male reader of slashdot who takes offence at the implication that "Penis Enlargement Pills Do Not work" (and now someone has sued alleging fraud) is actually in any way relevant "stuff that matters" to me?

    Just because I'm a geek of the highest order and a frequent slashdot poster doesn't mean I'm any less of a man (the fact that I don't have a girlfriend is neither here not there).

  • Penis 'Enlargement' Pills Pack Impurities (Score:5, Informative)

    by TPFH ( 92944 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @10:01PM (#8222516) Homepage Journal
    Quite a while ago I posted a comment to a spam article about trusting to buy from spammers, asking "Who would put in their mouth and swallow something from a spammer."

    Well, it's old news (Haven't seen an opportunity to post this since then) but I was more correct in asking this than I had imagined.

    Well, it turns out some folks at the Wall Street Journal [azcentral.com] did a laboratory study of these pills, and "analysis of a composite sample of 10 Performance Marketing pills and turned up significant levels of E. coli, yeast, mold, lead and pesticide residues."

    So among other nasties, there is a significant amount of fecal matter in these pills.

    I'm actually suprised this isn't bigger news.
    Maybe we should all put it in our signature files until the spammers go away: "Penis Pills have Poop in them!"

    Maybe some idiot that is stupid enough to buy from a spammer will die of E. coli and get a Darwin Award. Those sure get forwarded around a lot. Even my mom forwarded me the nominations for the 2003 Darwin Awards. (Which suprised me.)

    Maybe I should submit it for a Front Page story, but it was originally reported on August 13, 2003.

  • Finally... (Score:5, Funny)

    by guarddonkey ( 669975 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @10:04PM (#8222529)
    Someone standing up for the little guy....

  • God, I wish this stuff didn't work. (Score:4, Funny)

    by foxtrot ( 14140 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @10:47PM (#8222739)
    I have responded to all of the spam in my inbox over the past few years.

    I have four thousand, two hundred and fifteen higher education degrees.

    Sir Edmund Hillary wants to climb my boobs.

    And between all the penis enlargement and viagra spam, I'm so long and perpetually hard that NASA wants to use my dong as a space elevator.

    -JDF

  • Read the fine print (Score:4, Insightful)

    by ThisIsFred ( 705426 ) on Sunday February 08, 2004 @10:50PM (#8222752) Journal
    A lot of these junk products remain legal because they very narrowly escape making outright false claims. My local radio stations are currently inundated with "star registry" commercials in time for V-day. The particular company claims that "the star name is registered in book form in the U.S. Copyright Office." Very clever. Name-dropping a government agency gives their claim an appearance of legitimacy, when in fact all they are doing is taking your $50 and writing down someone's name in a book. Hell, I can do that for $25. Another product claims to regrow hair, and "is so effective that it was awarded a patent." The truth, of course, is that a patent only says a particular party has claim to an idea or method, not that the idea or method actually does something useful.

    My personal favorites are the suggested-physician scam products. These companies try to suggest that a doctor is/was involved with the product, and we are supposed to make the mental leap that this means the product has been proven to work through rigorous medical trials. The cheapest scammers use the words "doctor" or "physician" in the product name. Next are the doctors that speak to you on television, but hold a doctorate in some totally unrelated field (most likely business). Some of these guys manage to get a real M.D., but he only says something like "I use it", or perhaps "it worked for me", which really isn't making any legally-binding promises.

    But, scammers can claim damn near anything they want, as long as they can make you keep it for [at most] 30 days, they have your money and you can't do a thing about it. (I love it when they claim a 60 or 90 day "guaranteed" refund -- as if they are required by law to honor that) The only thing the scammers have to worry about is if the product hurts you, so it's in their best interest that the product does nothing at all.

  • No system works but one (Score:5, Funny)

    by Molina the Bofh ( 99621 ) on Monday February 09, 2004 @12:37AM (#8223136) Homepage
    According to this reliable site [penis-peni...gement.com] no penis enlargement system works but theirs.

    They wouldn't lie, would they ? After all, it's written on the web, so it must be true.

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