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Crime Idle

80,000lbs of Walnuts Purloined In Northern California 127

Penurious Penguin writes "While not quite as epic or bitter as losing 600 barrels of maple syrup — in two separate heists, 80,000lbs of walnuts have been stolen in Northern California since last week. The heist was discovered after the walnuts failed to reach their destinations in Miami, FL and Dallas, TX. If you happen to see a large man (approximately 6' 2") driving a white semi-trailer and munching on $300,000 worth of walnuts, it may be the villain. Officers with highly trained squirrels have yet to be posted at interstate weigh-stations."
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80,000lbs of Walnuts Purloined In Northern California

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  • by java_dev ( 894898 ) on Thursday November 01, 2012 @11:10PM (#41849793)

    Thank you, I'll be here all week!

  • by badford ( 874035 ) on Thursday November 01, 2012 @11:12PM (#41849813)

    who's there?


    Walnut Who?

    Walnut too strong, don't lean on t.

    (hahahahaha. I crack myself up. get it? walnut? *crack* myself up? come on! )

  • by drcheap ( 1897540 ) on Thursday November 01, 2012 @11:15PM (#41849837) Journal

    What is this place, The Onion?

    Okay, so maybe it really did happen...why the F is it on ./?

    Nerds could care less about a truckload of nuts.

    • ./


      Might as well be called that anyway ;)

      "Dotslash, news about nuts, not that it matters."

    • Nerds could care less about a truckload of nuts.

      Alright, I understand. If not for the two maple syrup stories recently posted on /., I probably would have let this one go. But I'm a sucker for humor and enjoyed the commentary from the syrup stories, so I thought I'd submit it.

      • It is a good article to submit to slashdot. Everyone can use a good laugh. I would have expected the editors to have posted it in idle, rather than YRO though.

      • Alright, I understand. If not for the two maple syrup stories recently posted on /., I probably would have let this one go. But I'm a sucker for humor and enjoyed the commentary from the syrup stories, so I thought I'd submit it.

        That's not all: fuck walnuts. Maple syrup is AWESOME, and walnuts suck. Maple trees are also some of the most beautiful and varied, while walnut trees (especially black walnuts, no racism or parallels to humans intended) are a bunch of fucking parasites that grow damn near everywhere you don't want them to, shit rocks all over your property, and will sprout up right next to desirable trees and attempt to choke them out.

        More maple syrup stories are a-okay, but the next time I see a story about walnuts on /

    • by king neckbeard ( 1801738 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @12:01AM (#41850079)
      Between this and the maple syrup theft, there is obviously a comic book supervillain on the loose. Thus, it's comic book news, which is news for nerds.
    • by Anonymous Coward

      Let me connect it for you.

      Walnuts are found at Walnut Creek.

      Walnut Creek is where was located. was the number one source of Linux distros when was founded.

      Ergo...the crime was committed by none other than Linus Torvalds.

    • Okay, so maybe it really did happen...why the F is it on ./?
      Nerds could care less about a truckload of nuts.

      What are you talking about? A Russian man-in-the-middle attack on Nothern California's broken super highways? This has Slashdot written all over it.

      Plus, this happened twice in the space of two days. This is either an inside job, or the correct purchase numbers were obtained through social engineering. Of course, the inside job theory is probably the most likely scenario, but to us Slashdoters, the possible Social engineering aspect of the theft will be the only interesting part (even if that's not what rea

      • Perhaps inside job means infected computer giving remote access via bot net which got the PO numbers and this is a test run for more expensive items? It would be interesting if some of these infections with no apparent payload was for this purpose.

    • You put this together with the theft from Canada's Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve and it starts forming a pattern, a pattern that says, to the trained eye, that these are steps in some mad scheme, some mad scheme which will eventually show itself to the general public in the form of gigantic robotic myrmidons armed with razor edged walnut waffle of death dispensers on every street corner as some spurious "Doctor" or "Professor" hijacks the media to present his ultimatum to the good people of Apple-Pie-ville

      • by girlinatrainingbra ( 2738457 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @02:37AM (#41850587)
        There are too many possible recipes that use maple syrup and walnuts. It may, however, be possible, to infer what the evil villain's dastardly plan once we learn what the third batch ingredient heist is.

        If it had involved eight large tankers of oil (one each of lime, cassia oil, lemon oil, nutmeg oil, coriander oil, neroli oil, and lavendar oil, plus 3 tankers of food grade gum arabic , then there plans would be obvious:

        They're planning on making industrial quantities of Open Cola [], and they know all of the ingredients of the GPL'ed recipe for open cola from [] OpenCola. Next they'll be stealing a large tanker of vinegar and a large truck with calcium-carbonate in order to create the vast quantities of fizzy water to reconstitute with the syrup.

    • Maybe not the walnuts themselves, but the pattern is emerging... Maple Syrup, Walnuts, next we'll see sugar missing, then cream. Look for a back-of-the-woods monster ice cream maker and someone's gonna corner the market on maple walnut ice cream, one of my favorites. Won't someone think of the children...
    • Re:I smell onions? (Score:4, Informative)

      by wonkey_monkey ( 2592601 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @04:31AM (#41850885) Homepage

      Nerds could care less about a truckload of nuts.

      So they do care, then?

    • by dywolf ( 2673597 )

      I care. Walnuts are one of the bigger crops of northern california. Now it maybe should be posted under the "idle" category, but still. It doesnt have to be all circuits all day. erally imo I care more about this than the constant posts about google/samsung/motorloa all suing each other (oh look, another lawsuit...and in other non-news, humans breathe air"). that stuff is barely relevant to me and imo is more suitable for a lawyer site.

  • by Lord_of_the_nerf ( 895604 ) on Thursday November 01, 2012 @11:22PM (#41849875)
    Hitting America where it hurts....the nuts.
    • by Anonymous Coward

      We need to appeal to their talent for finding what was once lost. They can team up with Department of Homeland Security, from their new insane asylum headquarters (St. Elizabeth's Hospital []), to locate the missing Freedom Walnuts, and save Democracy in time for the election. Please Rocky and Bullwinkle, save us!

    • Sounds like a hard nut to crack. Especially since there seems to be a wave of sorts going on:

      Eight people were arrested Friday morning for attempting to steal 700 pounds of walnuts from an orchard west of Porterville, the Tulare County Sheriff's Department said.

      About 10 a.m. the sheriff's department received a call about a theft in progress at the corner of Avenue 152 and Road 208 and arrived in time to stop the would-be walnut robbers. The walnuts were recovered at the orchard. Some were already loaded in

    • by sconeu ( 64226 )

      Damn, all these jokes just write themselves, don't they.

      Unfortunately, they were written by slashdotters instead.

  • They just look like walnuts: []
  • As the only owner of highly trained squirrels in the country I've had bad experiences working with Californian law enforcement and refuse to do business with them again.

    They can try to get some squirrel worker visas from India or the Philippines, but the paperwork is absolutely atrocious and the squirrels only speak broken english. I wish them the best though.
  • I get da nuts! I just need a little more time, Squeezle.

  • Fruit Thieves (Score:5, Interesting)

    by ShakaUVM ( 157947 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @12:15AM (#41850145) Homepage Journal

    A friend of mine owns 50 acres in the Central Valley. He used to grow citrus on it to pay the property tax on it.

    Then one morning he gets a call, heads out to the farm, finds all 50 acres had been harvested in the middle of the night.

    Across the street, there were some pretty ballsy guys selling what were very likely his oranges. The cops didn't do anything ("Can you prove they're your oranges?"). He just wanted to hire them to harvest his farm for next year - it took his normal contract labor something like a week to do the same job.

  • ... and where exactly are you going to sell them? Craigslist?

  • by uvajed_ekil ( 914487 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @12:39AM (#41850225)
    Man, I hate me some walnuts. They don't add anything to the food they are used in, they get stuck in my teeth, and they taste bitter. I wish somebody would steal ALL of them, and get into a huge fireball of a wreck on the highway (with no one hurt, of course). Now, if this were about pecans I might actually give a shit. Pecan pie season is upon us!

    BTW, I saw a couple of pretty shady looking squirrels apparently making some sort of deal this morning.
    • Man, I hate me some walnuts. They don't add anything to the food they are used in, they get stuck in my teeth, and they taste bitter. I wish somebody would steal ALL of them, and get into a huge fireball of a wreck on the highway (with no one hurt, of course).

      You know, if you detest them that much, you don't have to keep eating them... :)

    • by dywolf ( 2673597 )

      if they're bitter they're not ripe and were picked too soon. a good ripe one is almost buttery. mmmm

    • Tender walnut meat is a taste fit for the gods! I'll be making my Kentucky Derby pie for our Thanksgiving potluck in two weeks and I look forward to snacking on the leftover walnuts during the process.

      Seriously though, if you're eating bitter walnuts you're not eating good walnuts. Walnuts are one of the least bitter nuts around.

      • by lewiscr ( 3314 )

        Walnuts are one of the least bitter nuts around.

        As long as you get rid of all of the dried membrane; that stuff is pretty bitter. I haven't figured out how to get it all without breaking the nut pieces.

  • by SeaFox ( 739806 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @12:42AM (#41850237)

    Someone must be planning to get on Santa's good side with a reeaally big plate of cookies.

    Be on the lookout for future heists of butter, sugar, flour, raisins, rolled oats in the next few weeks.

  • 80,000 lbs is peanuts.

  • by caseih ( 160668 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @01:00AM (#41850315)

    The theft of bulk food commodities is becoming more and more of a problem with commodity prices climbing. Even in more traditional areas like grains such as wheat. Most farms, if they don't sell or ship off the combine store their grain in bins or silos sometimes for months, and sell it and ship it slowly. Right now I am looking out my window at a row of shiny bins that hold a crop worth between $100k and $200k per bin depending on how much is in the bin (worth that to me; worth ten times that to the company that I grew under contract for). We actually put padlocks on the bottoms of our more expensive crop bins. Won't keep out a very determined thief, but it will hopefully provide a bit of a pause.

    Recently a trucker told me he was hauling out of a remote bin for a farmer. Because it was quite hassle to put the auger in the bin to unload, once he was set up he just left it set up, and would come about twice a day for loads. During that time someone came along with a truck and helped themselves to a load. The bin was about 15 tonnes short; exactly one small truck load. So after that he started taking the belts with him, and disabling the auger's engine. Not a lot of money was lost (this was wheat after all... only between $3k and $4k), but not a happy thing for the trucker who had to make up the difference.

    So yes, theft happens in bulk, and it can be a lot of money. Sounds funny, or nutty, but still a serious concern.

    • by jimicus ( 737525 )

      How does a thief get rid of 15 tonnes of grain? Can you just show up at a processor and say "Will you buy this truckload of wheat off me?"?

      • Re: (Score:2, Informative)

        by Anonymous Coward

        easy, you just add it to a larger, legit wheat load that you were about to sell anyway

        • by caseih ( 160668 )


          But also it's common to sell grain in small lots, particularly if you are cleaning things out. Grain cos don't care who they buy from, particularly. People in this industry are pretty trusting (that could change). A thief could just call up a grain handling company in another county and make arrangements to sell a single load.

          • by ameoba ( 173803 )

            People in this industry are pretty trusting

            ...sort of like how scrap metal purchasers used to be?

  • I thought that said walruses, not walnuts. I should go to sleep. :P

  • They Have Arrived from the planet Twilo. []

  • I think a Johnny Cash song would be appropriate right about now: []
  • Wow! While I am amused by the theft of 80,000 lbs of nuts, I wonder what it has to do with Slashdot's mandate. Is there some secret walnut sniffing device being deployed? Are they using formerly secret walnut scanners?

    Or am I missing something?
  • 1. Steal 600 barrels of maple syrup.
    2. Abscond with 36,287.4 kg of walnuts. (Yes, kg. I'm Canadian, you insensitive clod!)
    3. ???
    4. Profit!
  • by Arakageeta ( 671142 ) on Friday November 02, 2012 @09:12AM (#41852009)

    The thief will have to sell the goods on the black walnut market.

  • As a 32 year old, I was never taught what lbs are in relation to kilograms or metric tonnes. According to Google, it's about 36 metric tonnes, for anyone who cares.

  • The last item widely reported as "purloined" was stashed in a cubby hole of the only women who has out smarted the companion of the famous chronicler. So just find the smartest woman in Northern California and shout "fire" within her earshot and look for the place she is running it save it from the fire.

    It is elementary. Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the solution.

  • That is so nucking futs!

  • Obviously, they put it right next to the 30,000 pounds of bananas: []

  • by Anonymous Coward

    I am unclear as to the relevancy of this article..

"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!" -- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"