IBM Patent: Smart Floors Detect Heart Attacks, Intruders 80
An anonymous reader writes "An IBM patent issued in March describes multitouch floors that detect who is in the home and what they're doing – perfect for detecting intruders and falls, notes MSNBC. CEPro.com suggests the technology also could be used to replace cameras and sensor arrays typically required for gesture control, and could detect staggering teens and 'unregistered' boyfriends. The floors could have 'tremendous implications for home health technology.'"
Prior art surely? (Score:5, Funny)
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Great, it's your turn to get up. Jimmy's masturbating in his bedroom again.
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Prior art - Japanese castles and mansions would have what I believe were called "canary floors". They were deliberately designed to squeak loudly as an anti-intruder measure. They were installed in critical areas to make it difficult for assassins to sneak around the mansion or castle at night.
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Damn it, I knew it was a bird. I just got the wrong one. -.- Thanks.
Unregistered boyfriends (Score:4, Funny)
Yep, only let registered, pre-approved and guaranteed condom carrying boyfriends into the house. Help prevented that health hazard called pregnancy :)
Re:Unregistered boyfriends (Score:5, Funny)
As the father of a girl, I would approve the electrocution of any man in my house that's not me or my son.
And really, my son is optional.
And no, I didn't forget to include my dad on the list.
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As another human that is part of the so-called 'civilized' world, I question your desire to be at home, and alone, with your daughter.
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Smart girls would roll they unregistered boyfriends in on any thing that had wheels. No need to step on the floor.
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Sir, we're getting a signal that's tripping our algorithms' alarms.
What is it? Is it a stumbling drunk teen?
No, sir.
Is it a fallen person twitching from a heart attack?
No, sir.
Well, what the hell is it?
Sir, it looks to be a chair in that there are four spots, but it's twitching violently, but unlike a heart attack, it's incredibly regular, about 3 jerks a second. Oh, wait. It stopped. Now they're getting up and walking to the bathroom. Their phone just activated and they're ordering pizza.
I guess it wa
What do you have to hide from your floor? (Score:4, Interesting)
"But everything they said was surely tattled back to the overness, if only by the dust at their feet."
</shudder>
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What's to stop an advertiser from tracking my movement to try to sell me softer toilet paper while I poo?
Why hasn't this been thought of yet? 'Smart Thrones' which do chemical analysis of your 'output' to suggest food items that might interest you and balance your body chemistry. In addition, it could measure toilet paper usage and suggest firmer/softer lines based on time needed and amount of blood added during that period.
It could even recognize and analyze vomit to see if it should advertise antacid, hangover remedies, or go straight ahead and call 911!
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In IBM/Soviet Floor Industry... (Score:2, Interesting)
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In Soviet Russia (Score:1)
We dont have floor!
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If there is a silver lining, the people that currently can't figure out how to install subfloor hydronic heating without causing a flood, are never going to correctly install this dystopian stuff. You'll get a few folks installing it to show off how well they can spend money, on the assumption that spending money means they're rich as opposed to the more likely serial home equity refinancers or credit card max-outers, but it won't actually work.
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Wait until it's required...
Oh, great a floor...like a mother in law (Score:1)
Re:Oh, great a floor...like a mother in law (Score:5, Funny)
but you can't typically stand on top of your mother in law 24/7.
Challenge accepted
In Soviet Russia (Score:2)
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No, it will tell your insurance company that you eat too much, so they can put you in a higher risk/more costly coverage group.
Oh, and that you aren't exercising as required will be more points against you.
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... but you can't typically stand on top of your mother in law 24/7.
At least I can wash the floor when it smells funny...
"could detect staggering teens" (Score:2)
("Buildering"? Drunk Buildering? Could be big!)
Anti-smart shoes? (Score:2)
How long before we see the first advertisement for special shoes to shield us from smart floors?
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How long before we see the first advertisement for special shoes to shield us from smart floors?
Surely you've seen the classic movie "Animal House"? "unregistered boyfriends" merely need ride their motorcycle up the stairs. What could possibly go wrong?
Lately whenever young men are in the news its traditional to put in a hoodie comment so I'm surprised the article didn't put some lame trendy crap about detecting if a young man walking on the floor is wearing a hoodie or not. Its illogically pointless, therefore required.
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The book Little Brother had the solution: put rocks in your shoes. Your awkward walking will likely confuse the floor.
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They are very 60's , commonly used by shopkeepers to alert them when a customer entered. I got a few to alert me when someone was messing around my house. This was many years ago. The devices have long been replaced with other technologies.
So, would this be prior art?
( And I want to replace the whole shebang again... this time with H [aliexpress.com]
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WTF is wrong with the patent office? (Score:3, Insightful)
There have been floor based pressure sensor for more than a decade that do these things and they're not from IBM. The earliest uses I am aware of were for security and access control purposes (to detect when someone walked in behind someone else that had an access card.
Hell yes (Score:4, Funny)
This should lead to some very interesting Batman-like robberies.
Tremendous implications for health.. (Score:1)
More like our privacy..
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Comment removed (Score:3)
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I'm pretty sure automated funny cat video production is a sign of the apocalypse.
Yet another entry in the "Do not want!" column (Score:1)
Our Rich Language! (Score:2)
'tremendous implications for home health technology.'"
Huh, 'home health' must mean no-knock search/arrest warrant.
Will monitor who's at work and who's not (Score:3)
This IS IBM after all, building a smarter world, smarter than the slaves who keep it running at any rate.
*Thud* (Score:2)
"Excuse me sir or madam, have you fallen and can't get up?"
Prior art (Score:2)
By Edgar Allan Poe [eapoe.org].
Expensive (Score:2)
While there could be interesting applications of this, covering your floor with touch sensors is far too expensive to be practical.
What happens (Score:2)
Identify by weight? (Score:2)
Here are a few heavy items I sometimes carry and or wear;
20 pound biker jacket
40 pound chainmaille shirt
20 pound chainmaille kilt
backpack
boxes full of chainmaille
heavy suicases.
By wearing/carrying the above items in different combination my weight can vary by a hundred pounds.
Dog (Score:2)
How is this better than a dog? My dog 1) is 100% effective at detecting intruders; and 2) if I were to fall, he would come and lick me in the face.
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How is this better than a dog?
It won't chew up your slippers and you don't have to take it for a walk. You don't have to take it outside to piss when it's raining. And it doesn't eat much. And it doesn't keep your neighbors up all night with its goddamned barking.
but but but (Score:1)
And when it is given the ability to speak? (Score:2)
"You know RivenAleem, you could afford to lose a few pounds"
Not the real reason (Score:2)
IBM still does cool things, but just like certain Holerith cards, they don't seem too troubled about how the tech is used after the sale.
Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term (Score:1)