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IBM Patent: Smart Floors Detect Heart Attacks, Intruders

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  • by slacker22 (1614751) on Monday April 09, 2012 @04:20PM (#39622435)
    Michael Jackson - Billie jean.
    • Great, it's your turn to get up. Jimmy's masturbating in his bedroom again.

    • by Ihmhi (1206036)

      Prior art - Japanese castles and mansions would have what I believe were called "canary floors". They were deliberately designed to squeak loudly as an anti-intruder measure. They were installed in critical areas to make it difficult for assassins to sneak around the mansion or castle at night.

  • by black6host (469985) on Monday April 09, 2012 @04:20PM (#39622437)

    The floors could have 'tremendous implications for home health technology.'"

    Yep, only let registered, pre-approved and guaranteed condom carrying boyfriends into the house. Help prevented that health hazard called pregnancy :)

    • by Beardo the Bearded (321478) on Monday April 09, 2012 @04:23PM (#39622483)

      As the father of a girl, I would approve the electrocution of any man in my house that's not me or my son.

      And really, my son is optional.

      And no, I didn't forget to include my dad on the list.

      • As another human that is part of the so-called 'civilized' world, I question your desire to be at home, and alone, with your daughter.

    • by Anonymous Coward

      Smart girls would roll they unregistered boyfriends in on any thing that had wheels. No need to step on the floor.

    • Sir, we're getting a signal that's tripping our algorithms' alarms.

      What is it? Is it a stumbling drunk teen?

      No, sir.

      Is it a fallen person twitching from a heart attack?

      No, sir.

      Well, what the hell is it?

      Sir, it looks to be a chair in that there are four spots, but it's twitching violently, but unlike a heart attack, it's incredibly regular, about 3 jerks a second. Oh, wait. It stopped. Now they're getting up and walking to the bathroom. Their phone just activated and they're ordering pizza.

      I guess it wa

  • by jeffb (2.718) (1189693) on Monday April 09, 2012 @04:22PM (#39622469)

    "But everything they said was surely tattled back to the overness, if only by the dust at their feet."

    </shudder>

  • In IBM/Soviet Floor Industry, Smart Floor Stand on YOU! But seriously, this stupid patent actually mentions "detecting your teens throwning a party while you are away, if the floor detects there are more than six people in the house". Is this really a problem that needs a technological solution? And how much does it cost to have 400 sq meters of "smart floor" installed in your house to begin with? 50K or so?
    • No, no, no. In Soviet Russia, YOU spy on floor!
      • by dryriver (1010635)
        No, no, no. In Soviet Russia, floor stands/spies on YOU. I insist that it be this way! =) Really... I do... Um, okay, actually no... Soviet Flooring tells me it has to be this way... Otherwise Soviet Flooring drop away, and become trapdoor I fall through...
    • The point is, hardware is so cheap now, they are going ot put it in EVERYTHING. I really hate that this can be patented. Its an OBVIOUS benefit of having sensored floors. The rest is data collection and analysis, nothing truly new or novel. I really hate that all the myriad shit that we all envisioned when we were kids is now being patented because its cost viable now. Most that dwell on this site saw the great hardware deluge coming decades ago.
      • by vlm (69642)

        If there is a silver lining, the people that currently can't figure out how to install subfloor hydronic heating without causing a flood, are never going to correctly install this dystopian stuff. You'll get a few folks installing it to show off how well they can spend money, on the assumption that spending money means they're rich as opposed to the more likely serial home equity refinancers or credit card max-outers, but it won't actually work.

    • by roc97007 (608802)

      Wait until it's required...

  • Great, a floor that tells me I eat too much and need to lose weight. Its kind of like a mother in law but you can't typically stand on top of your mother in law 24/7.
  • ...Or sponsor a renewed interest in free climbing.

    ("Buildering"? Drunk Buildering? Could be big!)

  • How long before we see the first advertisement for special shoes to shield us from smart floors?

    • by vlm (69642)

      How long before we see the first advertisement for special shoes to shield us from smart floors?

      Surely you've seen the classic movie "Animal House"? "unregistered boyfriends" merely need ride their motorcycle up the stairs. What could possibly go wrong?

      Lately whenever young men are in the news its traditional to put in a hoodie comment so I'm surprised the article didn't put some lame trendy crap about detecting if a young man walking on the floor is wearing a hoodie or not. Its illogically pointless, therefore required.

    • by Anonymous Coward

      The book Little Brother had the solution: put rocks in your shoes. Your awkward walking will likely confuse the floor.

  • by Assmasher (456699) on Monday April 09, 2012 @04:52PM (#39623005) Journal

    There have been floor based pressure sensor for more than a decade that do these things and they're not from IBM. The earliest uses I am aware of were for security and access control purposes (to detect when someone walked in behind someone else that had an access card.

  • Hell yes (Score:4, Funny)

    by TheSpoom (715771) <slashdot&uberm00,net> on Monday April 09, 2012 @04:55PM (#39623033) Homepage Journal

    This should lead to some very interesting Batman-like robberies.

  • More like our privacy..

    • by dryriver (1010635)
      If you are someone who has a vested interest in making people's lives as "transparent" as possible, putting as many "human-detecting" devices in people's homes as possible is precisely what you'd do. If this "smart floor" is cheap enough, you'll probably find it included, at some point, in many newly built houses. The only way you could truly "opt out" of that smart flooring would be to either have the entire flooring ripped out and replaced with passive flooring, or to cut off the electricity supply of the
  • by nimbius (983462) on Monday April 09, 2012 @05:31PM (#39623565) Homepage
    intelligent enough to txt me at work, if only to say, "your cat has oncemore lost traction on the waxed hallway floor, and smashed head on into the book case as usual with predictably hillarious results."
  • Who are they kidding? This is just another technology that would be used to monitor and spy on people in their homes.
  • 'tremendous implications for home health technology.'"

    Huh, 'home health' must mean no-knock search/arrest warrant.

  • by gelfling (6534) on Monday April 09, 2012 @06:40PM (#39624489) Homepage Journal

    This IS IBM after all, building a smarter world, smarter than the slaves who keep it running at any rate.

  • "Excuse me sir or madam, have you fallen and can't get up?"

  • by PPH (736903)

    By Edgar Allan Poe [eapoe.org].

  • While there could be interesting applications of this, covering your floor with touch sensors is far too expensive to be practical.

  • when you spill your drink all over it? In my experience, fancy-dancy electronics and liquids don't mi RCODE: 1001-02 Client disconnected from the connection.
  • Here are a few heavy items I sometimes carry and or wear;
      20 pound biker jacket
      40 pound chainmaille shirt
      20 pound chainmaille kilt
      backpack
      boxes full of chainmaille
      heavy suicases.

    By wearing/carrying the above items in different combination my weight can vary by a hundred pounds.

  • by mbstone (457308)

    How is this better than a dog? My dog 1) is 100% effective at detecting intruders; and 2) if I were to fall, he would come and lick me in the face.

    • by mcgrew (92797) *

      How is this better than a dog?

      It won't chew up your slippers and you don't have to take it for a walk. You don't have to take it outside to piss when it's raining. And it doesn't eat much. And it doesn't keep your neighbors up all night with its goddamned barking.

  • But...how would it detect Dance Dance Revolution? My guess would be as an intruder having a heart attack.
  • "You know RivenAleem, you could afford to lose a few pounds"

  • The real lucrative market is of course home-confinement monitoring - a refinement of the ankle bracelet.

    IBM still does cool things, but just like certain Holerith cards, they don't seem too troubled about how the tech is used after the sale.

All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. -- Henry Tyroon

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