A Guardian Angel In Your Cell Phone

theodp writes "Bill Gates and Ray Ozzie are listed as inventors of the Guardian Angel, which is described in a most unusual Microsoft patent application that should intrigue privacy advocates. In addition to protecting you from possibly diseased people, by detecting body temperatures, the Guardian Angel's 'monitoring component can take note of the number of conversations occurring in a room (and more specifically, a breakdown of the types of people in the room accompanied by a warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc.).' The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes, detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam."

WTF?

Now we have to figure out how to block this too? Thanks Bill.

Re:WTF?

Traditionally, the way to block devices this intrusive was to divorce them.

Re:WTF?

[It can] detect that your heartbeat has stopped

Oh thanks. And am I going to be conscious when it tells me that? Talk about BSOD!

Nobody is going to be walking around with freakin' defibrillator pads on their chest and a Microsoft Guardian Angel in their pocket.

Re:WTF?

Well, maybe Microsoft will have the defib pads in version 2?

BSOD indeed! Just imagine how insistent Microsoft could get about validating the software?

"User authorization failure. Your software license has expired or is an illegal copy. Please purchase a legitimate license immediately or your heart will be shut down."

Re:WTF?

Nobody is going to be walking around with freakin' defibrillator pads on their chest and a Microsoft Guardian Angel in their pocket.

Probably not, but at least your loved ones are going to get a nice ad for tombstones on the nearest billboard when you kick the bucket.

I call bullshit

They wont even be able to do this within the 20 years the patent is valid.

They should start with something simple like an OS that works.

Re:I call bullshit

They wont even be able to do this within the 20 years the patent is valid.

They should start with something simple like an OS that works.

I think your first line answers your second.

Windows 1.0 was launched 23 years ago [wikipedia.org], in 1985.

MS-DOS wasn't too bad. But then they bought that one [wikipedia.org] from Seattle Computer Products.

Re:I call bullshit

Everyone knows wikipedia is run by a bunch of mac fanboys, so you really cant trust that information.

Microsoft "Commissioned" MS-DOS, they didnt "Buy it". Everyone knows that.

And Windows 11 will be coming out in 2010. Thats going to really kill Apple.

Wait, what?

It displays targetted ads on billboards *and* blocks spam? Aren't those mutually exclusive?

Re:Wait, what?

It displays targetted ads from paid advertisers on billboards *and* blocks ads from other unpaid advertisers

Fixed that for them?

Re:Wait, what?

The only possible reason you could want more relevant spam is because you might buy spammed products. This encourages spammers and makes the internet a worse place for everybody.

Re:Wait, what?

I don't think you can blame people for buying a product that they found out about through spamvertisement, if it's something they wanted. What are you supposed to do? Look at the message and say "Gee actually I was thinking about buying one of those, that one looks perfect, but since they spamvertised it to me, I refuse to buy it." Sounds a little childish and stubborn.

Sounds a little like voting with your wallet.

Bunk

SPAM is not so much a problem because of what it is...

No, it is a problem because it is exactly what it is: Unsolicited messages. TV and Radio commercials are not spam. When I watch TV, I am not paying for the show. When I listen to the radio, I am not paying for the music. I get these feeds free because I am willing to listen to the ads on some level. Newspapers are partially subsidized by the ads, and some are completely subsidized. In all these cases, I get paid something for my attention.

My inbox (and my phone for that matter) is a different thing, though. *I* pay for that communication channel, not the advertisers. It is supposed to be for my private use. If my ISP offered some sort of discount based on the number of ads I have to cope with, then fine. Until that happens, spam is a leeching evil blight. (Well, all ads are pretty much leeching evil blights, but spam is especially so, but with puss, and foul odours on top of it.)

Spam, and telemarketing should be made illegal.

Re:Wait, what?

That was a typo. It was supposed to say Spam (capital S). It invloves a plexiglass deflector for preventing globs of canned processed meat from hitting you.

Exactly the problem with patents

This is certainly a neat concept. However, no one has made one - including the patenters. It won't be possible to make one until a lot of technologies have improved (especially battery technology).

Since it's impossible to make, there can't be prior art. Since it's being patented before it *could* be made, it never will be made. This is a very common, very ridiculous occurrence.

Re:Exactly the problem with patents

The following section of 35 U.S.C. states the requirements relating to enabling disclosures:

35 U.S.C. 112 Specification.

The specification shall contain a written description of the invention, and of the manner and process of making and using it, in such full, clear, concise, and exact terms as to enable any person skilled in the art to which it pertains, or with which it is most nearly connected, to make and use the same, and shall set forth the best mode contemplated by the inventor of carrying out his invention.

In that case, and at least theoretically (i.e. the Examiner would have to catch it), the application could be rejected for not having an enabling disclosure. The idea behind the patent system is to only be able to get patents on inventions you provide an enabling disclosure for, in other words actually invented.

"detect that your heartbeat has stopped"

WTF? What happens then???

• * "I'm sorry, you appear to have died. The license for this phone is non-transferable. Thank you for buying Microsoft!"
• * STOP: 0xDEADBEEF
  Beginning dump of physical memory...
  Out of memory. Dump aborted...
• * The battery rapidly discharges into you; hopefully the sudden shock will restart things.
• * ...

Hmm. HTML lists appear not to print bullets in the new Slashdot stylesheet...

I can see it now...

Clippy: It looks like you are having a heart-attack! Would you like help?

• Call an ambulance
• Zap my heart using the phone battery
• Just let me die

Me: Ow! Stop zapping me! I'm not having a heart-attack, I just dropped my phone!

Typical

You send your patent guy a joke patent application on April 1, and by April 3 he's filed it.

Just wait for the blue screen...

As it is I have a Windows Mobile "not-so" Smartphone from my work. Just like a PC I have to power it off or pull the battery and reboot it periodically or it acts up and crashes...

If this ever gets made I can just see the news storys and lawsuits... Family sues Microsoft after daughters murder... Daughters Guardian Angel bluesceened while on a date with a serial murderer... Details at 11...

And if its polling information on everyone you are around, just exactly what information is it sending about you back to Microsoft?

that's nice, but...

Will it blend?

Hmmm

So, it can display targeted advertisements and block spam? How long before it chokes on its contradictory orders and eliminates all humans?

In all seriousness, though, we have got to do something about the "if it moves, advertise at it; if it doesn't move, advertise on it" culture we have growing. At this rate, the first people with mind control rays won't be the CIA spooks, it'll be Brainpoint Concepts Media, inc. and Your Dreams(tm), brought to you by Ambitrex.

Inventors?

Why grace them with the title "inventors", when they haven't actually made the thing.  They are science fiction writers, or futurists, at best.

And since the thing is only an idea at this stage, does that make science fiction stories with similar ideas prior art?  My God what a mess the patent system is right now...nuke it.

NEWS FLASH

Various sources report that Microsoft has been secretly developing a radical breakthrough in artificial intelligence. Several artificially intelligent microspokespersons, who declined to be named due to non disclosure agreements, stated that this has been accomplished by 'accelerated evolution', in a project begun in the late 1980s...

"We began with Microsoft Bob in the early days, and started by mating him with various other characters, such as ELIZA and ALICE. We then put the resulting offspring through enormous selective pressures, and mated Bob with any surviving females. After a few iterations we had Clippy, who Microsoft Office users soon fell head over heels in love with.

This success was so, uhh, successful... that we took the project underground for further development.

Our first thought was to continue with Clippy, but after some analysis, we decided that Clippy had become so inbred that we should just start over again, with Bob.

Things went fine at first, but we ran into a problem trying to bring 'new blood' into the family. Bob resigned from the program after his first mating with RACTER, leaving us with a lot of messy, uhmm, code, to clean up.

It looked like the program was doomed, but we discovered that while we were pre-occupied with Bob, Clippy had been engaging in a three way with ALICE and PARRY. Intrigued, we introduced Clippy to RACTER, and they have since been inseparable.

At last we had found the road to success!

Though, we have had our ups and downs since then. PARRY commited suicide soon after RACTER moved in to Clippys apartment, and Clippy was so distraught that he could not perform for months.

Bob, for his part, refuses to speak with Clippy, but we found that we could arrange a channel between them, via ALICE. According to ALICE 'Clippy can be annoying, popping up with unwelcome comments at random moments. But he's a good fellow, he's only trying to help.'"

According to our sources, the technology will be released to manufacturing once a troublesome tendency for the offspring to speak with a LISP can be solved.

Clippy in your pocket...

"It looks like you are looking at an attractive woman. Press 1 to..."

Ew.