TSA Log Shows Passengers Say the Darndest Things 427
coondoggie writes "There is no humor in an airport. It's a fact. And while most travelers business or otherwise know that, there are a few out there who haven't gotten the message or perhaps the choose to ignore it. Either way the 'People Say the Darndest Things' or 'What Not to Say at an Airport' section has become one of the more popular destinations on the TSA Blog site."
The collected wit and wisdom of airline passengers linked unfortunately does not distinguish between stupidity (claiming that you have a bomb to get through security faster) and seemingly sensible questions that get at the heart of the problems with the current and long-running engagement of Homeland Security Theater. (It's also hard to know whether some passengers might have innocently thought their tone, facial expression, body language or context would have served as notice that they weren't actually threatening murder.)
Cool story bro. (Score:5, Informative)
Repeats the same three anecdotes 11 times. Stupid people will say the word "bomb" sarcastically. Headline news.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Informative)
Repeats the same three anecdotes 11 times. Stupid people will say the word "bomb" sarcastically. Headline news.
...and stupid people take them seriously.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:4, Insightful)
They have to. Because they cannot rule out that someone crazy/stupid enough to bring a bomb on a plane would not also be crazy/stupid enough to brag about it.
And it also serves to discourage such jokes that make the other passengers uncomfortable. Because you are, literally, joking about killing them.
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They have to. Because they cannot rule out that someone crazy/stupid enough to bring a bomb on a plane would not also be crazy/stupid enough to brag about it.
And it also serves to discourage such jokes that make the other passengers uncomfortable. Because you are, literally, joking about killing them.
Absolutely. A lot of burglars brag at barrooms where anyone can overhear. Most criminals and insanely angry people are dumb. Unaware.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Insightful)
Has anyone EVER been caught with a bomb after saying the word "bomb"? People have attempted to carry bombs on board (both successfully and unsuccessfully), but I've never heard of single terrorist plot that was deterred because of a Freudian slip.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Funny)
Has anyone been caught with a bomb period?
All I hear about is test fake bombs that get through.
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When I first got out of high school I worked as a security guard in a bank skyscraper. We had a form for people calling in bomb threats as this was one of the tallest buildings in a large metropolitan area and it attracted it's share of nutcases.
One of the very first questions that we would ask callers is what their name is. People instinctively answer certain questions with Freudian slips all the time and the bank knew this. You would be surprised how many people got arrested after answering that question.
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They have to. Because they cannot rule out that someone crazy/stupid enough to bring a bomb on a plane would not also be crazy/stupid enough to brag about it.
You know what else? You also cannot rule out that someone crazy or stupid enough to bring a bomb on a plane would _not_ say anything about it. So you'd better close down the airport and call in a SWAT team every time a passenger doesn't say anything about bombs.
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Repeats the same three anecdotes 11 times. Stupid people will say the word "bomb" sarcastically. Headline news.
...and stupid people take them seriously.
If you had your hands in your pocket and a cop pulls a gun on you and tells you to take your hands out of your pockets, are you going to say, sarcastically, "But I have a gun in my pocket?" or "my gun will fall out" or something about having a fucking gun?
Sarcastically or not, joking about bombs when you are trying to board an airplane is stupid, i mean, really fucking stupid.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Insightful)
Detaining the person whose bag you just searched because s/he asked if you're looking for "a bomb or something" is not "being thorough"; it is "being a thug." That the person in question is joking is not a suspicion; it is a confirmed fact -- acting on it imparts precisely zero additional security / protection because, having just completed a search, you know that there is no bomb. Inference by way of tone and body language is not necessary, and there is precisely zero risk to simply ignoring the comment.
Acting on this does nothing but hold up one or more plane(s) of innocent, paying customers, and subject at least one of those passengers to a level of scrutiny largely reserved for murder suspects, all to satisfy a petty personal vendetta against a single individual.
Period. End of fucking discussion. Anything further is apologist bullshit likely typed out by some jackass in a TSA uniform.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Insightful)
Anything further is apologist bullshit likely typed out by some jackass in a TSA uniform.
Not everyone who disagrees with you is a shill for the group you disagree with. Please stop saying things like this: you're making anyone who tries tries to have a discussion like an adult look bad.
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Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:4, Interesting)
I suspect the agents have very little say in the matter. It's probably TSA policy that any statement about a bomb, even if perceived to be in jest, is supposed to be treated as if serious. The point isn't really to single out people who make jokes about a bomb. It's to single out people who aren't behaving normally. And joking about a bomb in your bag simply isn't normal behavior (as witnessed by how few cases have been recorded). It wouldn't be the first time a terrorist used social engineering [wikipedia.org] to get a bomb aboard. And TSA policy is probably to detain anyone who might be using social engineering.
Disclaimer: I think airport security is security theater which provides no benefit aside from keeping the masses calm, and the TSA is led by people who don't realize this and take their jobs way too seriously. But if you accept that they're going to take their jobs seriously, then treating jokes about bombs as a potential threat is consistent behavior.
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Funny)
Or what if I had a DVD of the movie "Ishtar"? Could I legitimately say I had a bomb in my bag?
Re:Cool story bro. (Score:5, Interesting)
If I were Emperor of the Universe, I'd declare that anyone whose luggage goes "missing" be given a free ticket to wherever it landed. Going to HI and your luggage ends up in Cairo? Free trip to Cairo.
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And a number of those were caused by what I've been told by officials is a federal crime (having checked baggage travel without the owner on the plane).
Of course, compaines ship other people's packages on commercial flights all the time w/o the owner on board, and many of those packages undergo less-rigorous screening than passengers and their checked luggage. From: How safe is the cargo on passenger flights? [cnn.com]
While much airport security is concentrated on screening passengers and their checked bags, about half the hold on a typical passenger flight is filled with cargo. In fact, over a third of cargo by volume that entered the United States in 2010 was shipped on passenger jets, according to the Department of Transportation. That is 3.7 billion tons. Another 7.2 billion tons of air cargo came in on all-cargo aircraft, according to the DOT.
And the screening requirements for such cargo are not as strict as they are for passengers and their checked bags.
Most of the cases described in the article involve in-bound international flights, and there is a US law requiring 100% screening of all cargo, even US officials admit that the screenings would have caught some of the items discussed in the article.
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Comment removed (Score:4, Funny)
Agents do have some latitude (Score:3, Funny)
So I would say the TSA agents do have some latitude on what they do - but I wouldn't recommend testing it if you want to make it on time to your flight.
Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:4, Funny)
Why? Are we supposed to show obeisance to the stormtroopers of our overlords?
Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:5, Funny)
Yes, though they prefer to be called "Our Benefactors". Now pick up that can.
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And equally as big a question is why does the TSA have this information? Who are they to record what people talk about? You'd think the TSA now owns the airports they operate in or something.
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"Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."
- George W. Bush
I believe that this quote sums up the frame of mind that justifies making casual comments about any national security issues potential threats themselves (the comments).
Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:5, Informative)
"I'm no Bush fan, but I don't think he ever said that."
There's a wikipedia page about that sentence from him.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You're_either_with_us,_or_against_us [wikipedia.org]
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Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:5, Insightful)
Well, there's little room to interpret buying you a drink as anything threatening.
But the people who make jokes about having bombs or firearms? Well, that's just stupidity on their behalf, because it won't be taken well. You might as well go to a women's crisis center and make rape jokes -- they're just not going to work.
I've long since learned that at an airport, it's best to just play it cool, and be seen to be non-threatening or angry with them. Untie the shoes before you even get called, make sure you know what's in your pockets so you can remove it (a shocking amount of people don't seem to know what they're carrying), smile at them -- they may be idiots with no real training in some cases, but they respond to polite a whole lot better.
Some people seem to think it's a good time to make a political statement or otherwise act like an ass. It's your choice to do that, but certain kinds of jokes with these kinds of people are never going to be taken nicely. Hell, even "Airplane" in 1980 was making the "Hi, Jack!" jokes, and that was long before people got ramped up to the current state.
On the other hand, I once had a TSA agent become very interested in the my GPS for golf after he'd examined it. A friendly chat and a quick product endorsement, and I was on my way.
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I've long since learned that at an airport, it's best to just play it cool, and be seen to be non-threatening or angry with them
Solid advice. That works well with US customs as well in most cases. When I deal with either I always try to present myself as the least interesting person they've seen all day. (granted a lot of people find me boring so that isn't too much of a stretch for me) Have all the papers ready and approach them as if they had their sense of humor surgically removed but are otherwise just like any other person you've ever met.
Some people seem to think it's a good time to make a political statement or otherwise act like an ass
There is a time and place for such things, but I would generally say the airport is
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Well, you're definitely free to make that choice.
For many of us, air travel is a reality that comes with our jobs. Not flying isn't really an option.
Which means your next best solution is to make the process involve as little hassle for yourself as possible.
Do I think the TSA is stupid, wasteful, and draconian? Absolutely. Do I think going through airport security is the time to make a beef about it? Not bloody likely.
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Are you an idiot? Nice false dilemma there skippy.
Yes, I voluntarily work in a field which occasionally requires air travel, because it pays better than McDonald's.
I could choose to be a wage slave and work for shit money because it wouldn't involve air travel, but that wouldn't get me anywhere. You could choose to not be so thick.
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I've long since learned that at an airport, it's best to just play it cool, and be seen to be non-threatening or angry with them.
That's hard for some people when you find out that your conecting flight has your luggage, but you are 30 seconds late to board, so all your belongings are headed on, but not you. They won't return your property, nor honor their ticket to put you on the plane. "We'll get you on the next flight, Tuesday." is the best you get. For many, it's hard to remain calm and polite when faced with that.
Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:4, Informative)
That's odd, because for the last 10 years, when they're calling the flight and if you don't come to the desk, they say they'll pull your luggage. They're not supposed to let your luggage fly without you. If they're putting your luggage on and not you, I think they're in violation of FAA policy.
And, the people you need to be angry with are the agents of the airlines NOT the security folks. The customer dis-service reps deserve a little ire now and then. But getting into it with security is just asking for trouble.
I've been flying long enough that I allocate *lots* of time to make connecting flights -- like 1.5-2 hours minimum to absorb any delays, more if it's winter or an international flight. Mostly because I've learned you need to account for delays and other things which work against you.
Any time I see someone who allocated 20 minutes to catch a connecting flight, I just shake my head, because it was never realistic for you to make that connection in the first place. In some airports it can take more than that to get to your next gate if it's in a different concourse.
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I've long since learned that at an airport, it's best to just play it cool, and be seen to be non-threatening or angry with them
Yes, that is true. Unfortunately it is ridiculous that we have got to that point. That's why we should support anyone who does not respect their authoritae. It almost certainly means they are going to get hassled as a result.
So while it might be seem stupid for someone to invite the TSA to shit on them, at least they are willing to give a little bit of that shit back to the TSA. We should cheer those who stand up and act like free men. In any social revolution thousands, if not millions, get smacked do
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Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:5, Interesting)
You really expected them to react to that line?
My last experience involved a pat-down with a TSA agent at MIA. He asked me, "May I ask what your objections are to the scanner?" I said, "No, you may not."
Didn't go over well. Got a 20 minute lecture on why I should just trust the scanner. I didn't really react which made him angry.
He was a Cuban guy and he was starting to make me angry. I caught myself about to make some potentially racist remark along the lines of "This may be acceptable where you came from, but it's not here." Instead I took a deep breath and asked him if I was free to go.
The guy was going full jerk by now and yelling at me to remove my items from the area. I had them in my hands and was stepping away before he could even finish the sentence.
Flying again in a week. Joy joy.
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I get patted down regularly, and the TSA agents have been professional and polite. Occasionally one will talk to me about using the scanner, but it's always a brief, polite discussion and they haven't tried to push me.
I'll say that TSA staff, years ago, were much more aggressive and liked to throw their authority around. Maybe they received customer service training because that isn't a problem any more.
Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:5, Insightful)
This is very likely true. Given my temperament, I try to be polite and get on my way in situations like this and I am rarely if ever hassled. Even so, we've a real problem if being a smart-ass is grounds for suspicion. Talk of bombs and weapons aside, if TSA agents are groping someone and he chooses to crack wise about being molested, that is no excuse for getting hassled by said agents. To be detained or delayed for such is an attempt on the part of the agent or the agency to chill free speech.
You might get aggravated by such smart-ass grandstanding--I probably would a bit myself were I waiting in line--but the real people responsible for the delay aren't the smart-asses but the policy-makers and those they choose to execute their policies. Nothing is so clear a sign of the loss of civil liberty and the rule of law as people in authority who can treat heckling as suspect.
Re:Agents do have some latitude (Score:4, Insightful)
The policy makers aren't at fault because they policies aren't being followed. There is no policy that says to hassle passengers who aren't properly subservient, but the employees do that because they're given a position of power with no supervision or adequate training. You think you hate standing in line, they do that all day long and are bored enough that they'll make a scene just to have something to do.
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Yes, people (in this case employees) will do what they can get away with. I agree with this and everything you say thereafter. But part of crafting good policy is ensuring accountability as part of that policy. A policy which puts people in power without adequate supervision and training--as well as regular means of ens
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People who travel frequently hate the guys like you because you disrupt the line, distract security, and waste our time - we wish you'd get ball cancer and die.
Actually, it's the TSA who is disrupting the line with their nonsense. Who's violating people's rights? The TSA, of course. Who is holding the line up? The TSA, of course.
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The sad thing is that you are exactly the kind of person the government wants. The poster child of the hopefully voting population. You simply roll over and accept anything that happens to you because you can't be bothered to question anything.
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The guy behind me in line decided to be a joker and made a comment along the lines of "they could at least give you a drink for this!".
While a dig at the TSA agents, this comment cannot be construed as a threat to kill hundreds of people, which is probably why it was ignored. It would be impossible to justify detaining someone because of a verbal jab. You could probably say "i hate this, you guys suck" and they wouldn't do anything about it.
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When you're so terrified of the government that you can't even make a joke without fear of being punished by it, I think something is very, very wrong. And to think that all this is because people are afraid of a nearly nonexistent threat...
Print version (Score:4, Informative)
That article... (Score:2, Funny)
...was the bomb.
Seriously? (Score:2)
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I don't know if people just lack the common sense or the social skills to realize this is not the right place or time.
How do common sense and social skills help you realize this? One would think that common sense will either tell you that an *actual* airplane bomber *won't* say anything like that, OR that what the person says shouldn't be relevant at all to your attempts. How do social skills relate to objective detection of dangerous materials is beyond me. If I make a curtsy towards the X-ray machine, will it be more decent towards my genitals, or what?
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"If you say you have a bomb they have to take it seriously, even if you then say your joking."
That's called paranoia. If there actually *is* heightened security, then *everyone* is suspicious *by definition* and *nothing* you say should have any bearing on the check process (save for the "i choose to be patted down instead of scanned for reason of X" stuff, but that is a given), otherwise you're basically allowing potentially suspicious people to affect the process by what they say.
Security Theatre (Score:2)
So, the TSA is still going to judge us for potential thoughtcrime, grope us, and detain people for making (albeit stupid) jokes, but they're going to let POCKETKNIVES back onto planes? Really?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of a pocketknife. I'm just amused (horrified) that they're letting the thing that caused this whole mess back on
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Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of a pocketknife. I'm just amused (horrified) that they're letting the thing that caused this whole mess back on the plane, but not abolishing the TSA or their fascist policies.
Personally, I think they should give every passenger a knife when they get on board.
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So, the TSA is still going to judge us for potential thoughtcrime, grope us, and detain people for making (albeit stupid) jokes, but they're going to let POCKETKNIVES back onto planes? Really?
What's the harm? I mean, who ever heard of someone hijacking a plane with a knife? That'd just be ...
Oh, wait.
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I never carried a knife with me on the few times I flew (pre 9/11). I just carried my stainless steel pen. Which they still let you take on board.
"Yes, there's a shell bomb in my laptop..." (Score:2)
"...invisible to your imaging scanners."
Then, watch them sorting it out.
Re:"Yes, there's a shell bomb in my laptop..." (Score:5, Funny)
Sure. They will just call the bomb squad, who will blow up your laptop in a bomb proof container. You will get the bill of the operation, probably some jail time and lose a laptop...
Damn. And I almost contemplated telling them that I'm bringing Occam's razor on board in my head as well. *That* would have been really messy!
Nothing new, really (Score:5, Insightful)
The first time I flew was in the 70's and I can remember seeing signs at the security checkpoints warning against joking about guns or bombs. It's not something distinctive to the TSA.
Re:Nothing new, really (Score:4, Insightful)
Re:Nothing new, really (Score:4, Insightful)
The first time I flew was in the 70's and I can remember seeing signs at the security checkpoints warning against joking about guns or bombs. It's not something distinctive to the TSA.
I was not around in the 70s, but I am guessing that the worst you were looking at was a stern talking by a security agent
TSA could probably have you put away for 10-20 years. Or, at the very least, put you on a no-fly list as a lesson for joking (no review or appeal against being on no-fly list)
Re:Nothing new, really (Score:5, Funny)
Proverbs 21:19
Yes, I know that it is completely off-topic, and I don't usually comment on people's signatures, but yours got me intrigued.
Can you at least tell me who they were playing against?
Here's the deal (Score:5, Insightful)
OK. Here's the deal. If they take it seriously and believe me when I say "I have a bomb," then why would they distrust me when I say "I don't have a bomb or gun or knife or anything dangerous" and let me skip the screening. Really, WTF? They're gonna search everyone, right? Then why the fuck do they care what they say? Because catching smartasses is easier than catching terrorists?
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It's all just CYA. (Score:5, Interesting)
Yeah, yeah, it's really dumb to suggest you have a bomb at the airport. But, in reality, if a terrorist was trying to detonate a bomb at the airport or on a plane, they wouldn't tell anyone. The whole reason for the overreaction from the TSA is because they think if there really was a bomb they would look extra dumb if it turned out the terrorist told them about the bomb and they still didn't find it.
If some guy says he has a bomb, but he clearly doesn't, he's either an idiot or trying to create a distraction. By closing down the airport, you either allow his idiocy to cause real damage to the economy and inconvenience people. If he was trying to create a distraction, you allowed him to succeed.
Obviously if someone might actually be a real threat, you do what needs to be done to keep people safe. But in every single one of these cases, it seems that it could be ascertained fairly quickly that they pose no real threat even if they suggested they might. I don't mind questioning these idiots in the back for a few hours, but let everything else continue normally.
Re:It's all just CYA. (Score:5, Insightful)
So, I'm walking through security, and I've got a plastic 500ml bottle of CocaCola about 75% empty.
Security person watches me take another sip, then confiscates it, and tosses it in a basket at her feet.
I was annoyed, and she provoked me with something like "You didn't think you were bringing that on the plane did you?"
I replied almost without thinking...
"If its so dangerous you can't risk allowing it on a plane I'm surprised you are comfortable leaving it in a bin next to you."
Fortunately all i got back was a dirty look, but it really crystallized for me just how stupid the rules were. That so many people here are advising to just "follow the rules and keep your head down" is truly pathetic.
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What few people realise is that this may very well be exactly what the terrorists want.
Every day you hear a comment along the lines of "this now sets up the perfect scenario where a terrorist can blow up a big queue of people at a security checkpoint"
But what's not said is that this continuing erosion of free thinking, the indoctrination of "follow the rules, do as you are told" is the ultimate victory for the terrorist. We are in such constant fear of them that we have given up our freedom, surrendered it
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North Korea is saying they are going to pre-emptively strike the USA with nuclear weapons. Why aren't we all building/hiding in bomb shelters right now?
Because their 'attack the US' map [nknews.org] has the ICBMs not taking great-circle routes [wikipedia.org]. Some NK PR flunky hacked that map together with a Mercator projection and a ruler. Here [gcmap.com] is the GC route from Pyongyang to Austin, TX, one of the cities supposedly on the list.
Honestly (Score:2)
I'll save you all some time (Score:3)
None of them are actually funny, at least in print. Nearly all involve passengers attempting to say "I have a bomb" in a humorous manner in some capacity. Now I'd love to see the TSA abolished as much as the next Slashdotter, but I for one don't find bomb jokes funny in the context of an airport.
Now, if you want to read something regarding airlines that are actually funny, might I recommend either this or this [healthblogs.org], or this [eyeflare.com].
Didn't preview (Score:2)
The first "this" in the prior post is supposed to be this link:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm [businessballs.com]
Next time, I shall use the 'preview' button to actually preview.
claiming you have a bomb to go faster? (Score:2)
So some people claim they have a bomb to go through a security theatre zone faster? Where are they rushing to? Gitmo?
worst pick-up line EVER (Score:2)
An Atlanta passenger approached a flight attendant and asked her if she had ever been hijacked before.
I'm guessing since it made it into the TSA hall of shame, it didn't work out too well.
Last time I checked US was not a Police State (Score:3, Funny)
We're a Police State Superpower.
There's a difference.
They x-rayed my burrito (Score:5, Funny)
A few years ago I made the mistake of grabbing something to eat outside the SeaTac security theater zone when I was in a hurry. There was no line (very late at night) but the flight was leaving soon, so I asked "Does my burrito constitute a 'tube of gel' or can I take it through to the boarding area?" Three luggage monkeys wearing aviator glasses at night and a harrumphing silverback later, they came to a conclusion.
They x-rayed my burrito.
How is it possible for me to take them seriously? I do risk management for a living, and -- while my jackass question and their retarded response was funny at the time -- there's no way to examine the situation that doesn't indicate heightened overall risk due to bewildered agents looking for irrelevant indicators. Sure, morons joking about a bomb and the forgetful gun-toter need to be weeded out, but neither is a material risk to the lives of anyone on a flight. A good revamp of the TSA would start from undesirable risk outcomes and work its way back to a determination of effective controls... nah. Not gonna happen.
My friend Jack (Score:5, Funny)
Did you bring your "bom"? (Score:2)
At least, this was a story I heard way back when, pre 9/11 days.
Some TSA Agents (Score:2)
Grease Bomb.. (Score:2)
Guy claims to be a terrorist. (Score:2)
During a bag search at Dallas (DAL), a passenger stated: "I'm a terrorist."
Sure, perhaps that his job, but that doesn't mean he has a bomb or is going to threaten the plane.
He could simply be on his way to a convention, reunion or visit with friends out-of-town.
Even terrorists have mundane things to do - grocery shop, yard/house work, dentist appts...
XKCD (Score:3, Funny)
Houston (Score:2)
Playlist Time (Score:3)
I've been trying to come up with the all-time best "Not to sing along to in the TSA line" playlist. Amongst the top songs:
* Janie's Got a Gun - Aerosmith
* Boom Boom Boom Boom - Dr. John
* If I Had a Rocket Launcher - Bruce Cockburn
* Shot With His Own Gun - Elvis Costello (actually about consequences of sex, which makes it doubly good for this list "No, sir, I'm singing a song about a girl getting pregnant!")
* I Don't Like Mondays - Boomtown Rats
* Tear Down the Wall - Pink Floyd
* Rosalita - Bruce Springsteen ("You pick up Little Dynamite, I'm gonna pick up Little Gun")
* Crash Into Me - Dave Matthews Band
What else? No rap please, it's just too easy.
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Dilbert (Score:3)
heh (Score:4, Funny)
I'm going to open a bottle of dihydrogen monoxide once the plane gets off the ground.
Weed out the mentally dysfunctional? (Score:2)
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There is
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Friend A: So what did you do last night?
Friend B, in his head: "dont say 'your mom', dont say 'your mom', dont say 'your mom'"
Friend
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People should be killed for making bad jokes?
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So....is it safe to say their joke bombed?
No? Hey, let me go!
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Modern reality is that there's probably a list of words that if you simply don't say in the context of air travel you'll be better off. I should think any mention of 'bomb', 'hijack', 'gun', 'crash' isn't going to go well in most cases.
You can always choose to exercise your right to say something more inflammatory (it is your right after all), but there is likely to be some consequences from it ... so using your
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The X-ray machine for the bags, and the metal detector for the people are all you need to find guns. All the rest of it is just theatre.
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