Amazon Scores Gift-Delivery Patent

theodp writes "In May, the USPTO rejected Amazon.com's patent claims (PDF) for its Method and System for Placing a Purchase Order Via a Communications Network (a 1-Click spin-off). At the time, a USPTO Examiner cited Bilski, explaining that elements of CEO Jeff Bezos' gift-delivery invention 'may be performed largely within the human mind,' coming to essentially the same conclusion a NY Post reporter arrived at in 2002. But Amazon's attorneys have worked their legal wordsmithing magic (PDF), convincing the USPTO that 'obtaining delivery information for a gift from one or more information sources other than the gift giver and recipient' is indeed novel and patentable. A Notice of Allowance for the patent was mailed to Amazon on November 17th, just in time for Holiday Season injunction-giving!"

F It, I'm Patenting Eating

[eldavojohn]

METHOD AND SYSTEM FOR PLACING CHEESY COMESTIBLES INSIDE HOMO SAPIEN MANDIBLES

Abstract

A method and system for correctly and precisely placing a reasonable sized and digestible material inside the human mouth without death or injury to the consumer. This patent produces a new novel approach to the problems humans face in locating food in front of them and successfully placing it betwixt their teeth without injury to eye, nose or throat. The fact that the location of the food in front of them may or may not be immediately known inside their brain until they cast their eyes upon it establishes the validity of this patent.

Claims

1. A method and system for placing cheesy comestibles inside homo sapien mandibles
2. The method of claim 1 wherein the consumer relies on utensils (as fork, knife and spork patents apply) to correctly portion size said cheesy comestible such as to prevent choking.
3. The method of claim 2 wherein the consumer does not yet realize the food resides in front of them and the two apparatuses known as eyeballs must convene on said cheesy comestible thereby bringing it into focus and (where appropriate central nervous system coordination patents apply) the feed from the cerebral cortex is relayed to the arms and hands to manipulate utensils of claim 2.
4. ETC.

Prepare to starve.

Re:F It, I'm Patenting Eating

[Sockatume]

Well, I patented swallowing and digestion, so good luck getting people to chew stuff and spit it right back out. lol.

Re:F It, I'm Patenting Eating

[eldavojohn]

Well, I patented swallowing and digestion, so good luck getting people to chew stuff and spit it right back out. lol.

Not a problem, I have earlier patented a method and system for contacting a legal consultant in order to sue for patent infringement. Balls in your court.

Re:F It, I'm Patenting Eating

[selven]

Well I had earlier patented patenting so you're all screwed.

I trademarked the word "patent" and all variants

[mandark1967]

So all of you owe me $599 per use.

Apostrophize, young man!

[Just Some Guy]

Ball's in your court.

"Your turn." Standard English.

Balls in your court.

A judge is alone at her bench when the handsome young lawyer walks in. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

In related news ...

[PPH]

...Amazon serves North Pole with cease and desist order.

Santa Claus counters with: Method for gift allocation by means of naughty/nice behavioral data mining.