UK Cops Want "Breathalyzers" For PCs 545
An anonymous reader writes "One of the UK's top cyber cops, detective superintendent Charlie McMurdie, says the top brass want to develop the equivalent of a breathalyzer for computers, a simple tool that could be plugged into a machine during a raid and retrieve evidence of illegal activity. McMurdie said the device was needed because of a record number of PCs were being seized by police and because the majority of cops don't have the skills to forensically analyse a computer."
But... (Score:3, Funny)
UK up in arms. (Score:3, Funny)
2) Write a script to automatically crawl 4chan's
3) Be somewhere else when the party van arrives
4) KABOOM!
5) Nelson from the Simpsons would then usually say "ha-ha!" but he's locked up on child porn charges because he posted his own nudes on the internet.
they also want (Score:5, Funny)
Top brass also wants a date with Scarlett Johansson. And a pony for each officer on the force.
I figure the odds are about the same for each.
Re:But... (Score:5, Funny)
Won't that only work with alcohol cooled systems?
Yeah, but unless the alcohol cooled computer is driving a car, I don't see how that's illegal.
But seriously, people, don't let your PC drive under the influence. Yeah, yeah, it says that it's "overclocked' and much more efficient than when it's just running on water, but then it'll kill a little old C64 crossing the street and wind up in "Pound Me In the USB Port" Prison.
Re:Right (Score:3, Funny)
Hey asshole, aren't search warrants supposed to explicitly specify what you're looking for? You seized the computer, it should've been for a specific reason, not to conduct a fishing expedition.
Duh! They're looking for Illegal Activity, which is the specific reason they seized the computer!
Re:UK up in arms. (Score:3, Funny)
3) Be somewhere else when the party van arrives
I love it! You owe me a keyboard!
Perfect counter to that (Score:5, Funny)
I'll just use a hot glue gun to seal up all of my usb ports and use ps/2 connectors for mouse and keyboard.
fuzz: HOLY SHIT! THIS GUY MUST BE SOME SORT OF UBER_HACKER!!!
me: Too fucking right. Now you piggies hurry on back to the donut shop or I'll make your cruiser drive you down to the gay district on autopilot with YMCA blaring from the radio. (holds hands up over head, makes "whoooooooooing" scary sound, wiggles fingers menacingly)
fuzz: BETTER TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY! HE COULD DO IT!!
me: Heh. Wankers.
*hic* (Score:3, Funny)
well i *hic* thinkj tihs is a stipid idea, *hic* and sos ur mothar!1
Doesn't go far enough (Score:5, Funny)
Forget a tool for computers. We need a tool like this for physical crime scenes. You know: something that would, like, scan crime scenes and find, like, relevant DNA evidence and shit. It could even have an option where it would print out an arrest warrant with the name of the murderer on it.
Analyse? (Score:4, Funny)
the majority of cops don't have the skills to forensically analyse a computer
The majority of cops doesn't even have the skills to find my computer halfway up the old chimney;P However, I'm looking forward to the day they have to work their way through my massive computer-cemetery;->
Re:Outlaw encryption THE OFFICIAL's HELP-U-OUT (Score:3, Funny)
Okay, Sir. We'll just help you out by deleting all those pesky empty files and perform a wipe of your free space afterwards. This will recover all that space that you assure us has nothing of value in it. And then we'll check up on you every week or three just to ensure, mind you, that you don't have any of that pesky encryption stealing away your disc space any longer. It's just all part of the service.
Re:they also want (Score:1, Funny)
Top brass also wants a date with Scarlett Johansson. And a pony for each officer on the force.
If they wanted a pony, they should have joined the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Re:Right (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Right (Score:5, Funny)
Isn't there a plain-sight provision with that rule? If the cops have a warrant to search your house for crack, and see a dead body laying on the kitchen floor, they can go ahead and arrest you for murder.
On advice of my lawyer, I can't really say anything else.
Re:Right (Score:2, Funny)
what does the SCOTUS have to say about its precedent applying in the UK?
Re:Right (Score:4, Funny)
There's an object lesson here.
Don't hide your crack stash inside the dead body laying on the kitchen floor. It doesn't work, it provides no cover in court, and the necessity of the search really pisses off John Law.
Re:But... (Score:3, Funny)
I once had a bourbon cooled CPU. Then it overheated, because I drank it all.
Re:So they want GOV spyware? (Score:1, Funny)
McMurdie said the device was needed because of a record number of PCs were being seized by police and because the majority of cops don't have the skills to forensically analyse a computer.
I misread the article myself and thought "Wow, they need to breathalyze the cops before they even investigate computers?"
Re:Right (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Right (Score:5, Funny)
Because most criminals are idiots to begin with.
Sigh... You're right. Which is probably why there are so few elaborate bank-jobs, cunning cons, and ridiculously over-the-top plots to blow up buses that fall below 55mph, in the news. I like movies better than real life. Sigh...
Re:So they want GOV spyware? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Outlaw encryption (Score:4, Funny)
In that case, I guess it'd be a really bad idea to install TrueCrypt unless you really do have something to hide. Wait, you have TrueCrypt installed?
Now, a clever man would have known it'd be stupid to install it if you have nothing to hide, because only a great fool would install it without having anything to hide! However, I am not a great fool, so I can clearly know that you're hiding something! But you must have known that I was not a great fool, in fact, you would have counted on it, so you clearly must be hiding something! Now tell us the password!
Re:Right (Score:4, Funny)
and with relatively good hardware (dual 64-bit CPUs, 10k RPM SATA drives, 4GB of RAM, etc.) it can take hours to perform even a simple search with a small list
I believe that's why Vista introduced Instant Search [microsoft.com]. Johnny Law just needs to call ahead and ask the suspect to ensure that it's enabled and properly configured. And that the suspect has at least 4GB of RAM installed, and dual 64-bit CPUs. Also, it would be helpful if the suspect left the computer on so the police don't have to wait around for Vista and Norton and HP to spin up. Hmm. I'm starting to see your point.
Re:Yes, and I want a Pony.... (Score:3, Funny)
The rest go into software project management.
Re:So they want GOV spyware? (Score:2, Funny)
Re:So they want GOV spyware? (Score:5, Funny)
Good job managing to misread the summary.
Yeah! I didn't read the article or the summary and I can tell you I have the following strong opinion: There's no need for breathalizers for computers because if I pour alochol onto my computer it would short out. Therefore to determine if a computer has had alcohol just try and switch it on. If the power comes on and it boots, it hasn't had anything to drink.