Monster Cables Pushes Around the Wrong Small Company

Alien54 writes "Audioholics has a fun read regarding a recent legal dustup involving Monster Cables. The well-known (some might say notorious) cabling company sent a cease and desist letter to Blue Jeans Cable over a supposed patent violation. What the Monster folks couldn't have known was that Blue Jeans president Kurt Denke used to be a lawyer. His response is as humorous as it is thorough. ' Let me begin by stating, without equivocation, that I have no interest whatsoever in infringing upon any intellectual property belonging to Monster Cable. Indeed, the less my customers think my products resemble Monster's, in form or in function, the better ... If there is more than one such connector design in actual use by Monster Cable as to which appropriation of trade dress is alleged, of course, I will require this information for each and every such design. On the basis of what I have seen, both in the USPTO documents you have sent and the actual appearance of Monster Cable connectors which I have observed in use in commerce, it does not appear to me that Monster Cable is in a position to advance a nonfrivolous claim for infringement of these marks.'"

The word "owned" comes to mind

[Anonymous Coward]

I read every word of that rather long article, and all I have to say is "OWNED". Wow. Normally I refer from such Internet slang, but I really believe in my heart that it applies here.

Once again...

[Iphtashu Fitz]

Slashdot reposts a story found on Gizmodo that Gizmodo found on Digg that was first seen on reddit that...

From TFA

[madjalapeno]

The best line of the reply has to be "Not only am I unintimidated by litigation; I sometimes rather miss it."

Summary...

[binaryspiral]

Dear Monster Lawyers,

The mention of similarity between my company and yours makes me throwup in my mouth a little. Your threats are empty and vague. You provided no details to your patent hissyfit.

If you're actually attempting to prove you own a patent on the RCA connector, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Sincerely,
Kurt Denke

Re:Once again...

[91degrees]

Yes, but Gizmondo has a rubbish comments system, Reddit is all about xkcd and how people are being mean to Barrack Obama (at the moment. A few months ago it was Ron Paul), and Digg is full of Digg users.

Obligatory...

[masdog]

I think this deserves an "OH SNAP!"

Re:From TFA

[croddy]

the whole thing is just a litany of pwn. this is the most badass response to legal threats i've seen in a long time; this guy has given even the pirate bay's collapsible baton gag a run for its money.

Re:Monster Cable versus wire coat hangers

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, it might upset a mime when a blank tape is played too loudly.

Ahhh, that was joyfull

[mlwmohawk]

I have not enjoyed a letter like that in a long while.

I think I have a new rule, right after "never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" "Never challenge a former litigator who misses his old job."

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[ComSon0]

That is the most beautiful letter I ever read. It teared my eyes. I am a dude, but I think I love that guy.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[smittyoneeach]

I think you refrain more than you refer, but I refrigerate.

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[elrous0]

You mean that Monster Cables running to Bose speakers WON'T make me cool?

Uhm....

[mark-t]

Wouldn't the RCA connector patented by.... oh, I don't know.... RCA?

Re:A shorter answer

[debrain]

Great reference. For those not inclined to click the link ...

[The plaintiff, Arkell, was the subject of an article relating to illicit payments and so sued the defendant magazine Pressdram. The] magazine had ample evidence to back up the article. Arkell's lawyers wrote a letter in which, unusually, they said: "Our client's attitude to damages will depend on the nature of your reply". The response consisted, in part, of the following: "We would be interested to know what your client's attitude to damages would be if the nature of our reply were as follows: Fuck off".

Re:Once again...

[morgan_greywolf]

Also, for amusing reuse and evolution of memes (along with not so amusing ones) and the creative-as-hell trolls.

Like, for example:

I, for one, welcome our new unintimidated former lawyer CEO of a cable manufacturer overlord.

Or, perhaps:

In Soviet Russia, former lawyer CEOs sue YOU!!!

Or maybe even

1. Set up cable company
2. Threaten lawsuits against other cable companies in existence
3. Get settlements on all but one.
4. Get bitchslapped by former lawyer CEO of said company.
5. ????
6. Pwned!!!!

Re:This is exhibit "A" .....

[geekoid]

No, it's not.
This is someone attempting to bully using the patent system, it is not the fault of the patent system at all.

I would argue that these kind of people would threaten under some other pretense.

Porcupine

[Bananatree3]

It looks like a porcupine, and boy does it growl like a porcupine. Monster Cable Products Inc, would you like to try a bite and see if it tastes like a porcupine?

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[Anti_Climax]

I was thinking about Dave Chappelle's impression of the late Rick James

"What did the 5 fingers say to the face?"

*SLAP*

Looking for a job?

[sherpajohn]

Monster is hiring a paralegal - bet you would be kept busy! https://jobs-monstercable.icims.com/monstercable_jobs/jobs/candidate/job.jsp?jobid=1503&mode=view [icims.com]

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[gnick]

...most people won't be able to tell the difference between that and lamp cord without an oscilloscope.

Actually, outside slashdot, most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference even with an oscilloscope. They'd just look at it and ask, "WTF is this thing and why is it in my living room?"

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[EastCoastSurfer]

"Coooold Bloooded"

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[VRisaMetaphor]

Thanks for the warning. You've convinced me not to use coat hangers in my setup.

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[moexu]

You mean that Monster Cables running to Bose speakers WON'T make me cool?

I'm pretty sure the proper term for that is douchebag.

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[webrunner]

How ironic is it, that a company known for it's cables really only does good work in wireless?

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[Anonymous Coward]

ACTUALLY, outside of slashdot most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a lamp cord and oscilloscope...

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[dubbreak]

..go *** themselves..

Go ass themselves?

Re:My new Hero....Monster BitchSlapper

[clarkcox3]

To really experience the Monster advantage, you have to run a green magic marker along the wire. I've got one I'll sell for $350 + s/h :)

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[sheldon]

As for filtering, modern home theater equipment is more computer than TV or stereo, and this stuff is VERY sensitive to low quality poewr. A surge protector is WORTHLESS! You need power filtration with real time voltage regulation. Monster does a good job providing very high quality filtering systems for as little as $200-300. If you have high def, a suround sound stereo, a PS3 or xbox360, keep this in mind.

LOL!

Those are probably one of the biggest scams yet from Monster. ;-)

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[Anonymous Coward]

"Not only am I unintimidated by litigation; I sometimes rather miss it."

I about shit my pants I laughed so hard at this.

Re:Monster Cable versus wire coat hangers

[cain]

Groupthink at work, gotta love it. The burden of proof is always non-existent when it backs up your pre-existing notions of truth.

Prove it.

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[Theaetetus]

I mean, its how the internet works, and god knows here's a lot of "noise" on the line, yet my text files sent over instant messengers are accurate :)

Mabye urs r, but mine hav obvius signl 2 noiz isues. It muzt b teh cabels, and not ne problams with are skool sistems.

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[Actually, I do RTFA]

(in addition to qualifying as a precious metals investment).

My taxes are complex enough without having to qualify my sale of old cables at a yard sale as a capital loss, thank you.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[sm62704]

My favorite quote from the easy to copy yet not worth the bother (asshats) is at the very beginning: "Re: Your letter, recieved April Fool's day
Dear Monster Lawyers"

Priceless!

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[QuantumRiff]

You obviously don't understand digital. Digital is all ones and zero's. If you have a kink in the cable, because it is made cheaply, then the 0's, being as they are round, can slip around the kink's, but the 1's, having sharp edges, pile up.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind PWNED

[bishiraver]

Nah, nah. It's "Poned." As in, "Ponied." ...PONIES!!!

Fine.

[Weaselmancer]

Just have Kurt write a letter to them too.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[clamatius]

When I got to the end of that article, I half expected to see it signed "Summer Glau" [xkcd.com].

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind PWNED

[ConceptJunkie]

When was the last time you heard an elderly gentleman say "get off my yard" in a civil voice to a bunch of rowdy teenagers?!

I'd be inclined to do so, but punctuate my civil voice with a few shotgun blasts in their general direction.

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[Guysmiley777]

...most people won't be able to tell the difference between that and lamp cord without an oscilloscope.

Actually, outside slashdot, most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference even with an oscilloscope. They'd just look at it and ask, "WTF is this thing and why is it in my living room?"

Wrong! In this post-9/11 control-by-fear world, the average person would take one look at an oscilloscope and run away screaming that there is a BOMB in their HOUSE!

Re:Monster cable has been taking advantage...

[arth1]

You mean you haven't bought a high speed DSL cable, which is a two-wire phone cable going between the DSL modem and the wall jack? It makes pictures and videos downloaded over the internet so much more realistic. It's like the brea^Wimages come alive!

Now I need to get a Monster High Speed IEEE 1284 printer cable -- it's only 35 bucks. I'm sure my Centronics printer will be far faster, and the pictures more vibrant!

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[Anonymous Coward]

I only see one questionable use of the semi-colon in the quoted text: the first occurrence. The first use is (arguably) better-suited to be replaced by a colon, but the use of the semi-colon will suffice. Every other use of of the semi-colon is unarguably legitimate. Its use is to reduce ambiguity that would arise, had the writer rather used commas, due to the presence of commas within the components of the series he is enumerating.

Fucker.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[meringuoid]

The whole letter is a lawyers way to tell them to go *** themselves.

Actually, there's a much shorter lawyers' way to tell somebody to do that.

"We refer you to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram."

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[dwater]

It's the legal equivalent of Clint Eastwood's "Make my day, punk".

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[Oktober Sunset]

AH HA Caught you Tom Cruise!

Whew!

[pugugly]

I might be wrong, but I have no recollection of having ever gotten an erection from reading a legal letter before.

Pug

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[Anomolous Cowturd]

Then take him to English court; if you dare, Bitch.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[dangitman]

It's actually a peninsula.

Re:The word "owned" comes to mind

[Jesus_666]

Let's do a Microsoft and extend it after embracing it. I propose the interrosemicolon. It's to the semicolon what the interrobang is for the exclamation mark. The interrosemicolon is used to conjoin a question with a noninquisitive statement.

Actually, I should patent that: "Method and apparatus to syntactically denote a logical connection between two statements, the first of which shall be inquisitive and the second of which shall be noninquisitive - on the internet." (Last part added so the USPTO rubber-stamps the application.)