Patent Examiners Flee USPTO

john-da-luthrun writes "Soaring numbers of patent applications for software and business processes is not only leading to the ludicrous patents for the likes of Amazon and Microsoft. The stress of dealing with vast numbers of applications is leading to an exodus of patent examiners from the USPTO, reports FCW.com. A US Government Accountability Office report (PDF) says that the USPTO has made progress in hiring examiners, 'but challenges to retention remain'. The IP Kat blog quotes Jason Schulz of the EFF, who comments that 'The incredible surge of patent applications, especially in the software and internet business method arena, is just crushing them, and the management problems are rising to the surface with greater visibility for those reasons. Where anything under the sun is patentable, it puts an unbelievable amount of pressure on the patent office'."

Some suggestions:

[TripMaster Monkey]

Some suggestions to help ease the tensions over at the USPTO:

• Every day is Casual Day.
  
• Liberal supply of rum in company coffee.
  
• Liberal supply of ecstacy in company sugar.
  
• Doughnuts, bagels, and "special" brownies supplied every morning, courtesy of management.
  
• Naked Fridays!
  
• Patent infringement issues now decided by Trial By Combat.
  
• Applicants whose patent application is judged to be spurious goes through the Spanking Machine.
  
• All patent applications must be submitted in person, after running the Gauntlet (involving rotating knives, enraged badgers, and of course, lots and lots of lava).
  
• After running the Gauntlet, all applicants for the day must take part in a Royal Rumble Cage Match...last one standing gets to submit application.
  
• All employees are granted ringside seats at Royal Rumble...popcorn and beer is complimentary.
  
• All employees now required to surf porn.
  
• Employee of the Month earns use of jacuzzi-office for the month.
  

Hope this helps.

Hah!

[theantipop]

My friend just took a job there. Priceless!

Patent the sun!

[Valacosa]

"Where anything under the sun is patentable..."

Why stop there? I want to patent the sun!

(Yes, I realize you can't patent an instance of an object, especially a celestial object. If you're the type of person constantly pointing out flaws in other people's jokes, I'll bet you don't get invited to a lot of parties.)

"Naked Fridays!"

[Tikicult]

Careful what you ask for. Look around at the people you work with... Do you really want Naked Fridays? - Tiki

Re:Some suggestions:

[dema]

Naked Fridays!

I don't know about you. But I'd need a whole lot of rum and ecstacy before I could survive a "Naked Friday" at my office.

Re:Patent the sun!

[AKAImBatman]

Sorry, your Sun as you call it, violates my patent on placing unshielded fusion reactors into galactic orbit. All users of this Sun now owe me $699.99 for the priveledge of using it. Buy now, and you can get in on this deal BEFORE the judge finds I can't patent such technology! ;-)

How lazy can you be?

[Anonymous Coward]

Just pounding the rubber stamp on any piece of paper that comes into your office sounds like the easiest job on the face of the earth.

The solution!

[bigattichouse]

1. Send one million rubber stamps maked "approved" to India
2. Ship all the applications to India
3. Stamp Away!

Also,

I've been dying for someone to "hack" the patent system and using different words patent the same idea twice (or have two people approved for the same idea).

Re:"Naked Fridays!"

[op12]

Look around at the people you work with... Do you really want Naked Fridays?

I work at the Playboy mansion, you insensitive clod!

No Big Deal

[Waffle Iron]

The USPTO management is not concerned about the loss of human examiners. Trials of their new Pitney Bowes Stampmaster 5000-EX have shown that a fully automated application processing machine can rubber-stamp applications at a rate exceeding that of 1800 human examiners using old-fashioned hand stamps and inkpads. Current plans call for phasing out the examiners completely over the coming months.

This Just In

[stuffduff]

"Microsoft has received a patent for Communications. We are now no longer
allowed to communicate without a license."

There is a commotion outside.

"What's that sound?"

The door explodes inward and the room is immediately filled with smoke and
overrun with stormtroopers.

A large and ominous voice booms out.

"You are forbidden to communicate."

I am stunned! I don't know what to think!

Then just as suddenly the first wave of stormtroopers are felled, one by one in
an unimaginably short flash of time.

"Don't know what to think a voice says?"

I look up and see Jeff Brazos towering above the carnage.

"That's fine by me. I just patented Thought!"

Unemployed Software Engineers

[Stanistani]

Here's your chance to get employed at a place that can use your skills and can't outsource your job that easily.

Re:How lazy can you be?

[I confirm I'm not a]

Just pounding the rubber stamp on any piece of paper that comes into your office sounds like the easiest job on the face of the earth.

It's not as simple as that... since the USPTO granted a patent on rubber-stamping daft patent applications.

;-)

Ideas...

[Transcendent]

Where anything under the sun is patentable, it puts an unbelievable amount of pressure on the patent office

That's it! Patent the Sun! Such a method of gigantic energy transfer must be patentable, since it is so unique and original.

Re:This Just In

[Daniel_Staal]

"That's fine by me. I just patented Thought!"

And this would stop/slow down Microsoft how?

Re:Some suggestions:

[Guppy06]

"All patent applications must be submitted in person, after running the Gauntlet"

RED PATENT LAWYER NEEDS FOOD BADLY!

Re:Some suggestions:

[tolkienfan]

If you look at some of the patents that have been approved, you'll see they are already doing ecstasy and drinking rum in the office.

Re:Can the exodus be attributed to the deluge?

[dkf]

there are patent applications coming into the USPTO in torrents

They're using BitTorrent to upload patent applications now? Cool!

Re:"Naked Fridays!"

[deathy_epl+ccs]

Ya know, while there are some women in our office I could do without seeing naked, I think I'd be willing to put up with that to see some of the others in the buff.

Re:Fundamental change is needed...

[jc42]

Who decides what is a reasonable period time?

This is an easy one for Congress: Just copy the "reasonable time" limit from the copyright laws.

So you'll have to produce a working model within 70 years of your death.