Suing Telemarketers Made Simple

Lord of the Distinctive Rings writes "Telemarketer calls victim in wee hours. Victim is lawyer. Victim sues telemarketer. Hilarity ensues, as recounted in narrative replete with links and information on how you too can sue up the wazoo." Well, one's certainly not ever going to get rich or anything going after telemarketers on a one-off basis, but every bit helps, I think.

Sweet.

[Anonymous Coward]

Another reason for me to sit by the phone on a saturday night. I mean..... to bad I'll be out hanging with the ladies.

Ring....Please Ring..

Re:Keep em on the phone.

[Kierthos]

Hrm... unsolicited telephone calls using an automated voice that doesn't clearly identify the business or person?

Shit... I should have stayed on the line those last 12 time whoever the prerecorded hell it was called and tried to offer me a Disney vacation... I could have afforded to go by now...

Kierthos

To keep 'em along ...

[Anonymous Coward]

When harrased by telemarketers, I just make up the weirdest stories ever (I just bought that penis enlargement gizmo!! - or - I'm sorry, my religion regards it as infidel, unless I get a free massage), and if they really piss me off, I just make up a credit card number and expiration date, and give them the white house's address for mailing me that penis-enlargement thingie. Perhaps someone in there will put it to use?

Finally?

[jonjohnson]

It's about time people do something. Let me recall two funny incidents: Brother in-law: "Yes, Oh? I get something free? What's that? Oh that sounds great... What else can you guys offer me?"... (Ten minutes later)... "Well, can I talk to your supervisor? Thank you. .... Yes, I hear you have some great offers, but you see, Colorado has a no-call list and if you don't honor that ..." The hilarity of the situation was the fact that i'm sure they thought they had another sale, then it turns into another 20 minute lecture. The best transaction was from my stepfather, while my friends and I were watching a movie in the living room. "Hello? Umm... let me check. IS MR. HIND-ER-LITER HERE (pronounced incorrectly of course)?" (In another yelling voice, somewhat feminized this time, he replies to himself) "NO, HE'S NOT BACK FROM HIS PAROLE MEETING FOR KILLING THAT SALESMAN." (back to his voice) "OH, THAT'S RIGHT. No, I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone right now. Bye." Makes me wonder how much of these funny things do go on...

Yes! YES!!!!

[Shoten]

I, like the person who wrote the article, live in DC, and have been bothered by a pre-recorded telemarketer...in this case, a "non profit" that seems not to exist except as a front to accept donations. I'd elaborate more, but I'm off to the courthouse now...:)

Re:Keep em on the phone.

[Erasmus Darwin]

I once did this with an automated recording. I discovered by chance that hitting '7' on my phone caused the recording to start over, so I spent a bored afternoon hitting 7 and tying up their system for a little over an hour. I was watching TV at the time, so pressing a button on the phone every minute or two wasn't that much of an inconvenience.

ARS?

[arvindn]

Anywho gave me the caller's name - I'll call him "ARS"

Did you leave out the 'E' at the end?

Re:Keep em on the phone.

[hipster_doofus]

Whenever a telemarketer calls me, I always keep them on the phone and use this fun script [xs4all.nl] against them! It's generally a great time for me and everyone in my vicinity.

Must've been an AT-5000

[horati0]

"Greetings friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is just a dollar away."

The best way to get rid of telemarketers.

[Anonymous Coward]

Back in college, we were on the A-list for credit card bills. Hardly a day would go by when I wouldn't get a fat envelope of "You've Been Pre-Approved" nonsense, or a phone call at around 7 in the evening. Anyway, eventually, a simple "I'm not interested" *click* wouldn't do. So, we got creative, and decided to have some fun.

Eventually, one of my roomates, Matt, discovered the best solution. Once, a telemarketer called, and asked, "Are you Matthew *****"? His reply: "I don't know". Yes, that's right. "I don't know". As in, "I don't even know my own name, I'm definitely not responsible enough to own my own credit card. You must have dialed into a Home by mistake. Try this number again and Big Nurse will open up a can of tele-whoopass on you". Needless to say, he wasn't bothered for another three months. Before that, it was about twice a week. And that, my fellow readers, is how to get rid of telemarketers.

Re:Andy Rooney sez...

[TheArmageddonMan]

Good point! Not a prob for me, though. I like to think they tear up the junk apon getting it back and scream my name, like in Wrath of Khan. Good point, still.

Re:Andy Rooney sez...

[hbackert]

Wouldn't that be even better? This way they know what to expect from you and (hopefully) that will result in less spam from them. Simple calculation: this potential customer costs us more maney than we can possible earn from this him/her.

And since you do nothing illegal, no need for fear! In the easiest case send them their empty envelope back. You can always say that you forgot to put something in.

Re:Devil's Advocate

[mattite]

Simple: a lot of people hate lawyers (they can be terribly devious and expensive), but EVERYONE hates telemarketing calls. Put them together with a nice bit of vengeance and it's called entertainment.

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:Keep em on the phone - good idea!

[PHPee]

Keeping them on the phone is a good idea!

While reading these comments (at 9:15am), I got a call from an obvious telemarketer (couldn't pronounce my dad's name right...) so I decided to keep them on the phone, just to see how long they would actually wait (I'm unemployed, and living at home, so I've got nothing but time on my hands). I told her to hold on while I got my dad, and proceeded to just sit there listening. I didn't say another word for the entire 13 minutes and 42 seconds that the telemarketer actually waited for me to come back! I almost burst out laughing several times when I heard her sigh or start humming a little tune.

It brought a smile to my face on an otherwise boring, unemployed day of my life...

Re:Must've been an AT-5000

[marcop]

Hmmm, eternal happiness for a dollar, you say? I think I would be much happier with the dollar.

Re:Devil's Advocate

[doublem]

Two reasons:

1. /. stole the phrase from fark.com [fark.com], who puts in on just about every other article.

2. It's "funny" when someone you hate suffers. For example: If Bill Gates was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, the /. crowd would LOVE it. If Torvalds came down with the same cancer, it would be the biggest tragedy in geek history.

It would be a geek tragedy.

WordPerfect???

[Anonymous Coward]

As a Computer Geek, the most important question that occurred to me after reading this article is...why do lawyers still insist on using Wordperfect??? Do they even MAKE that software anymore??

My Favorite Line:

[His name cannot be s]

"a heaping serving of Revenge, The Dish Best Served Cold(TM); "

Heh-heh, well said!

Re:Keep em on the phone.

[jsupreston]

I tied up a telemarketer one time for about 10 minutes when they called during supper. I have a high pitched voice for a man, so when they asked for "Mr. L," I handed the phone to my 1 1/2 year old son who was just learning to talk. My wife and I nearly wet our pants watching our son talk on the phone to this telemarkter. Needless to say, we had a very entertaining dinner.

Honest bidnezmens

[wowbagger]

Sorry, but I don't buy the "but he was just an honest businessman who made a mistake" line.

He bought an autodialer with the expressed intent of telemarketing his business. He knew that what he was doing is held in very low regard by the general population, and he did it anyway.

The arguement you often hear of "but I was just trying to make a living" applies equally well to crack dealers as to telemarketers.

In fact:

Wowbagger's top 5 reasons why crack dealers are better than telemarketers
5) Some people actually WANT what the crack dealer sells.
4) Crack dealers don't knock on my door while I'm having dinner and say "You want to buy some crack?"
3) When you tell them you aren't interested, crack dealers leave you alone.
2) Crack dealers don't give your name and number to other people (except, perhaps, to law enforcement).
1) Crack dealers AREN'T TELEMARKETERS!

Re:Keep em on the phone.

[chrysrobyn]

That reminds me of the time my parent's answering machine got into an infinite loop with an autodialler. Somehow, the answering machine beep caused the spiel to restart and that spiel ended with a beep. That beep, I guess, was misinterpreted as an attempt to access the remote "check my messages" feature of the answering machine. The password failure resulted in the same beep. Which, if you see above, caused the spiel to restart -- and end with a beep.

The 60 minute tape was filled with the same spiel 60 times in a row with two beeps to seperate.

Win-Win

[Michael_Burton]

Oh, good. There aren't enough lawsuits.

Telemarketers vs. Lawyers in an epic Battle to the Death!

I know a lot of people who would consider that a win-win situation.

Re:TPS acronym correction, plus link

[christopherfinke]

TPS, for the UK, is the Telephone Preference Service.

Insert joke here involving words "cover sheet", "memo", and "yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh."

whoa, they screwed the pooch on that one!

[mekkab]

IS MR. HIND-ER-LITER HERE (pronounced incorrectly of course)?"

Considering your screen name of jonJOHNSON I'd say that is QUITE a mis-pronounciation!

Please send $1 to...

[BTWR]

Greetings sir! Please send $1 to Happy Dude!
Evergreen Terrace, Springfield

Re:Keep em on the phone.

[Blue Stone]

No No No....

What you do, if the caller is real, anyway, is say, "Just a sec'... I'm just going to get a pen..." put the phone down (without hanging up) and... well... go back to watching the tv/scratching your balls or whatever.

>:o)

Telemarketers are easily confused.

[Ayandia]

Although he passed away six years ago, my home phone is still in my grandfather's name.

I frequently get marketing calls for my grandfather, and I've found that the BEST response is:
"I'm sorry, he's dead. Can I take a message?"

They very rarely leave messages, although one or two have asked when would be a better time call back.

Re:Andy Rooney sez...

[ebh]

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

If you really want to keep them guessing, throw in a pinch of cornstarch.

Re:The best way to get rid of telemarketers.

[mr3038]

Other nice ways to handle telemarketers:

• Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world...
• Say "beep" each time the telemarketer says some often repeated word (like "the"). If the telemarketer asks you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" (Variation: say "me" every time the telemarketer says "you")
• If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
• Reply with a real husky voice: "What are you wearing?"
• Say "Could you repeat that?" Repeat.
• "I'm sorry, but I consider insurance a form of gambling, and my religion forbids it."
• "Newspaper? Is this a crude joke?? I'm blind!"

You'll be on their black list in no time.

Re:Andy Rooney sez...

[aws910]

Last week, I mailed one of theose postage paid envelopes back to the people and did this: I took one square of toilet paper, dipped my finger in a jar of nutella(yummy brown chocolate peanut-butter stuff) and wiped my finger on the square of toilet paper. Stuffed it into the postage-paid envelope and sent their tasty little pacgake off to them! In case you didn't get it, I mailed what appeared to be used toilet paper. Still makes me laugh to this day.

Re:Telemarketers are easily confused.

[AlgUSF]

When I lived at home, my brother recieved calls from debt collectors, and I told them he was serving 5 years in prison. I told another collector that he was dead, and started acting like I was all broken up after they said his name. :-)

Re:The best way to get rid of telemarketers.

[mengel]

Don't forget:

• Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour?

No awe, just shock.

[raoulotoole]

Like others, I have used otherwise unproductive time to play with these people.
Instead of asking them to hold on or following a script I enjoy the opportunity of letting my imagination run wild. I find the funniest exchanges take place with plain old phone sex. If you're good you can keep them on the line for more than 15 minutes. The object is to keep them on the line until YOU decide to end the call.

Start with-
Are you wearing underwear? What color?
Ask if they're touching themself during the call. Tell them you are.

Ask if they are over 18. If they say yes, ask if they would like to meet in person. Tell them you will send them a plane ticket. Or tell them you'll meet them at the side door at the end of their shift.

They either won't know what to say or will tell you the call is being recorded. Say "I know... I listen to my tapes late at night..."

You get the idea.

Re:Finally?

[CDS]

My grandmother used to get a persistant telemarketer who kept calling and asked for the man of the house. My grandfather was a rancher and was never in the house during the day, so my grandmother would always say he isn't in...

Finally one rainy day my grandpa WAS in the house and happened to answer the phone.

"Is the man of the house in?"
"This is..."
<telemarketer begins sales pitch>
"I'm sorry, my wife makes all the financial decisions" <CLICK>

Method to deal with Junk Faxes.

[slappy_guru]

Wait until Friday afternoon:

1] If the return fax is an 800 # great!
2] If not make sure your fax # is on an unlimited long distance plan
3] Tape 3-4... 8.5 by 11 sheets together
4] Write on them "UNSOLICITED FAXING IS AGAINST FEDRAL LAW!!!!"
5] Feed into fax machine and tape the first sheet to the last sheet.
6] Program the return fax # into your fax.
7] Hit send key !!!
8] If you feel like it stop the call on Monday, unless you have already run the junk faxer out of paper and the call is already stopped!

Re:Telemarketers are easily confused.

[schon]

the BEST response is: "I'm sorry, he's dead. Can I take a message?"

This is, indeed, the best response..

In the late 80's, I started getting phone calls for "Leanne" - they came at all hours of the day and night, and from different people.. Since I'd had the phone number for 3 years, I could only assume that this "Leanne" person couldn't remember her own phone number.

After a couple of weeks of this, I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning by one of these calls.. when they asked for Leanne, I told them "No, I'm sorry - she's dead."

The response was shock - "what happened"

So I told them that Leanne was hit by a bus on the way home..

The (of course) asked if there was anything they could do.. and I said - "Yes, can you call all of her friends and let them know?"

And that was the last call for "Leanne" I ever got.

Re:The best way to get rid of telemarketers.

[icebattle]

i give the phone to my three year-old. he can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

Re:Finally?

[doktor-hladnjak]

I think the favorite one I've heard lately is what a friend of mine does:

telemarketer: Can I speak to Mrs. Jones please?
her: There's a Mrs. Jones!!! He never told me he was married!

She says the telemarkets always promptly hang up without saying anything.

Re:Method to deal with Junk Faxes.

[sid crimson]

Or... find black paper and write your message in white ink. :-D

-sid

Re:Sweet.

[Anonymous Coward]

What if he's hanging out with YOUR mother and sister?

Re:Do we need MORE lawsuits?

[commodoresloat]

any more than I would cheer Hilary Rosen for kicking Bill Gates in the nuts.

I don't think I would cheer her either but I would certainly download the mpg file of it from p2p!

Re:The best way to get rid of telemarketers.

[bpfinn]

Don't forget: "Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour?"

I heard this backfired on someone once. The telemarketer was excited to find another Christian and the callee got into a 10 minute conversation about religion.