Patent Granted on Sideways Swinging

Matt Van Gundy writes "In another brilliant move by the well loved U.S. Patent and Trademark Office a patent (6,368,227) has been granted to a Mr. Steven Olson for inventing the method of swinging sideways on a swing. The patent even lays claim to "inducing a component of forward and back motion into the swinging motion, resulting in a swinging path that is generally shaped as an oval." I claim prior art, but perhaps I am one of the few fortunate ones who enjoyed this method of swinging long before its 'invention' by Mr. Steven Olson. " My favorite line from the patent : "The user may even choose to produce a Tarzan-type yell while swinging in the manner described, which more accurately replicates swinging on vines in a dense jungle forest. Actual jungle forestry is not required."

Wow

[mcg1969]

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. If the patent office doesn't get egg on its face over this one... oh by the way, first post (I think)

Interesting...

[Sapphon]

I'll have to try that position some time. I've been swinging for a while now and never come across a partner who.. oh wait ;-)

Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[Anonymous Coward]

You fuckers can't simply accept that someone else has ideas that are new and unique, can you? Everything is obvious and easy to see once you hear it.

Don't go saying that there's prior art or that it's such an obvious invention. Where is your prior art? Can you prove that the idea is obvious?

I didn't think so. This patent stands.

Good thing

[martissimo]

good thing my childhood tire swing was suspended by rope since his method only patents suspension by chains...

hey maybe i could go patent the rope/tire method and become a millionaire!

Sideways Swingers?

[AlaskanUnderachiever]

A sideways swinger's bar with a cowboy neal theme. Think of it. "Patent Pending Swinging Action" Hep Cats and Swingers Welcome Here. We'll make a mint!

Playgrounds are still safe ...

[bupernfut]

This only applies to two chains hung from a tree branch (specified in the Claims section). The background section describes "other substantially horizontal support" but it's not in the Claims section. Legalistic? Yes. But someone has to think of the children ...

Cease and Desist Notice

[circletimessquare]

For those of you blowing milk out of your nose while you laugh at this article, I just want to inform you that I own the patent on that method. Thank you.

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[DagSverre]

sarcasm Pronunciation Key (särkzm) n.

1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
3. The use of sarcasm. See Synonyms at wit1.

Mastermind

[_Sprocket_]

We now have proof of a machiavellian genious working within the USPTO. We may not know his intent, but we do know his modus operandi: absurdity.

Maybe the agent posseses a sense of humor and an apreciation for irony that has slowly twisted his mind over the years. It started simply. A inane little patent. Won't hurt anything. But it was darned funny. And nobody caught it. So he upped the stakes with another gem. Unnoticed. And another. And another. The beancounter souless zombies that are his coworkers oblivious to the parade of delicious irony under their noses, presented by inane claims, burried in a sea of paperwork. Taunting him. Daring him. Just a little more. They'll appreciate his humor. If he just found one obvious enough.

Maybe our mastermind is actually an activist. Working from the inside. Sabotaging the system. Poisoning the dignity of the entire USPTO system with more and more outlandish patent grants. Daring the public to see the USPTO for the foolishness that it really is. They'll apreciate how foolish it all is. If he just made it obvious enough.

Or maybe there is no mastermind. We are simply witnessing the byproduct of a reality distortion only known to exist within the proximity of US Governmental beurocracy and Steve Jobs.

So many posibilities. And we've only just began to scratch the surface...

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[prash_n_rao]

Hey, maybe if I describe it properly and clearly list out all the steps involved, I may get a patent for the way I pick my nose!

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[cybermage]

I may get a patent for the way I pick my nose!

With all those sex sites on the net, you'll make much more money licensing the technology of using porn to cause arousal. While nose picking may be just as common as masturbation, there is way more money in the latter.

Besides, think of the lawsuits from Kleenex if you're invention catches on and results in a drop in tissue sales.

Oh dear...

[MrSeb]

I hope I'm not the only sad bastard that's just ran outside to the nearest park (first time in DECADES) to try out this 'better' method of swinging?

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[Technician]

Read the patent. It states the method for a swing suspended by two chains from a tree branch. Since the playground swing I used has a pipe frame instead of a tree branch, this patent does not apply to my horizontal swinging done in grade school. The swing we had at home used ropes instead of two chains. He has patented a specific implimentation of the horizontal swing method on a specific type equipment. (two chains and one tree branch) I'm glad he didn't patent spinning in circles on a swing.

Re:if i were a patent lawyer

[redhatbox]

To hell with that chair crap... my application is in the mail for a patent destined to make me richer than [name your deity]. Yessireebob, billions upon billions of people will pay me royalties, some even dozens of times per month.

I won't disclose too much, but it has to do with "manufacturing processes". In a nutshell, it involves a method of inserting and removing a cylindrical device in and out of a round opening in a rhythmic fashion. Provisions are built in for proper device lubrication, and the entire assembly (including fuel) is completely organic in nature. I'm gonna be freaking billionaire...

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[Micah]

Since the playground swing I used has a pipe frame instead of a tree branch, this patent does not apply to my horizontal swinging done in grade school.

Read it a little more closely:

As is apparent to those of ordinary skill in the area of swinging, the chains could be replaced with ropes, cables, or the like, or the tree branch could be replaced with another substantially horizontal support such as a metal bar or pole.

Sorry, I think you're gonna have to pay up...

Re:Wrong topic.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Did anyone notice that the patent lawyer has the same last name as the patent holder?

Yes. It's the kid's Dad. He's just getting his kid started early in life. I'll bet he's on the playground right now twisting the arms of all his little friends to pay royalties, or get off the swing.

Uh-Oh! Copyright Infringement!

[LittleGuy]

The user may even choose to produce a Tarzan-type yell while swinging in the manner described, which more accurately replicates swinging on vines in a dense jungle forest. Actual jungle forestry is not required.

If they don't get a C&D from one [tarzan.org], they'll be hearing from another [cbfan.com].

Not a mad idea..

[AftanGustur]

So does this mean the Patent Office now implicitly agrees that they think patents are silly, too?

That just gave me an idea, issue a patent for approval that patents the process of patenting silly things.

Either they will have to find prior art (there are tons but I doubt they have the balls to point them out), or grant the patent.

And if they grant the patent, you can collect fees from anyone who 'infringes' on your invention.

Voila, no more silly patents.

patenting a method of ......

[afxgrin]

How about patenting a method of how to fine a patent clerk that approves a painfully obvious method?

Let's see if that gets past them.. :-)

Twisting the ropes?

[Lardmonster]

OK, has anyone patented twisting the ropes a few dozen times, before lifting ones feet off the ground causing the user to twist very quickly in the opposite direction?

(Thereby inducing dizzyness)

And if not, should we club together and get this one? Might make a fortune ;-)

Re:Moderation changes.

[Kerg]

I have already patented that idea.

Curses!

[Greyfox]

If only I had published my sideways swinging method in the New England Journal of Swinging 27 years ago, I would now have documented prior art! Curse you Steven Olson! Curse your cold black heart!

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[SpinyNorman]

I'm hoping to obtain a patent for "Utilizing the methane producing capabilitites of sybiotic colonic microbes to produce sound pressure waves emitted from the anus modulated by sphinctal muscle control".

This is my 1000th post! w00t!

Re:Default should be deny.

[QuodEratDemonstratum]

There will be no jumping out of the swings, swinging sideways, standing on the seats, swinging on stomachs, or climbing on the frame. There will be no twisting, whether moving or not [k12.co.us]

There's no date on it, but I bet there is a printed copy that pre-dates Nov 2000.

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[Mononoke]

...I think Kleenex will still see a drop in sales.

Don't you get it? It's those damn kids that are sharing kleenex that are causing the drop in sales.

I'm sorry, but there's no justification for tissue piracy!

oh, great....

[mikeee]

I can see it now.

"w00t! f1rst p4nt3nt!"

This is why we need patents

[Sloppy]

Without the protection of a monopoly on their methods, children would not have a sufficient incentive to play. Imagine a world where the children do not play. That would be aweful. You don't hate children, do you?

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[rworne]

Besides, think of the lawsuits from Kleenex if you're invention catches on and results in a drop in tissue sales

Please use trademark names properly to reduce trademark dilution. From now on, it's "Kleenex (R) brand facial tissues".

Sincerely,

Kimberly-Clark(R) Corporation

(R) Registered trademark of Kimberly-Clark Corporation (C) 1938, 1986, 2000 KCC. All rights reserved

Re:Sure, it's obvious. Now.

[r_j_prahad]

Evidence of prior fart?

Hey Junior, that's Gonna Cost Ya

[alexander.morgan]

That's great, I can already see the headline stories:

"Boy, 8 years of age, sent to prison for 30 years to life, for infringing on patent for the third time."

"Six year old girl agrees to pay two gummy bears, one red, one green, to settle patent infringement claims..."

Re:if i were a patent lawyer

[mandolin]

In a nutshell, it involves a method of inserting and removing a cylindrical device in and out of a round opening in a rhythmic fashion.

The saddest thing here is the (low) number of people reading your post that could actually claim "prior art" on this one..