A Guardian Angel In Your Cell Phone

theodp writes "Bill Gates and Ray Ozzie are listed as inventors of the Guardian Angel, which is described in a most unusual Microsoft patent application that should intrigue privacy advocates. In addition to protecting you from possibly diseased people, by detecting body temperatures, the Guardian Angel's 'monitoring component can take note of the number of conversations occurring in a room (and more specifically, a breakdown of the types of people in the room accompanied by a warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc.).' The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes, detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam."

WTF?

[Divebus (860563)]

Now we have to figure out how to block this too? Thanks Bill.

Re:WTF?

[dotancohen (1015143)]

Traditionally, the way to block devices this intrusive was to divorce them.

Re:WTF?

[mrbluze (1034940)]

[It can] detect that your heartbeat has stopped

Oh thanks. And am I going to be conscious when it tells me that? Talk about BSOD!

Nobody is going to be walking around with freakin' defibrillator pads on their chest and a Microsoft Guardian Angel in their pocket.

Re:WTF?

[NeverVotedBush (1041088)]

Well, maybe Microsoft will have the defib pads in version 2?

BSOD indeed! Just imagine how insistent Microsoft could get about validating the software?

"User authorization failure. Your software license has expired or is an illegal copy. Please purchase a legitimate license immediately or your heart will be shut down."

Re:

[AHuxley (892839)]

MS defib pads would only shock you.

Re:WTF?

[somersault (912633)]

Nobody is going to be walking around with freakin' defibrillator pads on their chest and a Microsoft Guardian Angel in their pocket.

Probably not, but at least your loved ones are going to get a nice ad for tombstones on the nearest billboard when you kick the bucket.

Re:WTF?

[dwywit (1109409)]

Imagine the possibilities for fun:

1. design device to detect the 'guardian angel' in a roomful of people that you don't like

2. broadcast subversive material in its vicinity

3. profit!

Re:WTF?

[by Anonymous Coward]

"WTF" was precisely the first thing that came into my head as I read the description. Are these guys for real?

Re:WTF?

[donaldm (919619)]

This is your "Guardian Angel"! I have detected your heartbeat has stopped. Would you like "zombie clippy" to:

1. a. Recommend a cemetery were you can party with your new zombie friends. (Free service)
2. b. Direct you to the nearest mall were you can dine on the finest brains. (Free service)
3. c. Other undead services. (Charges do apply)

:-)

Re:WTF?

[LKM (227954)]

Look at the bright side. Microsoft is too incompetent to implement something like this anyways, and the patent will prevent competent companies from implementing it. Thanks, Microsoft, from helping us avoid intrusive crap like this!

Re:

[Divebus (860563)]

...broadcast device transfers encrypted information regarding the user to the plurality of other users and devices... further comprising:encrypting the information when communicated beyond the user; and verifying the authentication and authorization properties of recipients before communicating the information to the recipients

Relax... it's just a Zune... so nobody will buy one anyway.

I call bullshit

[by Anonymous Coward]

They wont even be able to do this within the 20 years the patent is valid.

They should start with something simple like an OS that works.

Re:I call bullshit

[nick_davison (217681)]

They wont even be able to do this within the 20 years the patent is valid.

They should start with something simple like an OS that works.

I think your first line answers your second.

Windows 1.0 was launched 23 years ago [wikipedia.org], in 1985.

MS-DOS wasn't too bad. But then they bought that one [wikipedia.org] from Seattle Computer Products.

Re:I call bullshit

[Aranykai (1053846)]

Everyone knows wikipedia is run by a bunch of mac fanboys, so you really cant trust that information.

Microsoft "Commissioned" MS-DOS, they didnt "Buy it". Everyone knows that.

And Windows 11 will be coming out in 2010. Thats going to really kill Apple.

Re:I call bullshit

[tricorn (199664)]

Seems sort of odd to be trying to patent something that clearly can't be made to work at the present time. I don't see why this would be patentable anyway, similar devices have certainly been described in various science fiction stories in sufficient detail to be "prior art".

Re:

[$random_var (919061)]

Maybe this is a preemptive patent, and they want to make sure this is un-patentable by anybody else 20 years down the road when we can actually build it. Sure, they could have just published a paper in a scientific journal, but patent examiners are lazy and prefer using patent filings as prior art.

Guardian Clippy

[inKubus (199753)]

Hello! It appears as though your heart has stopped!

Would you like to:

1) Restart your heart, and languish in a coma, fed with a feeding tube while your family stuggles to pay your mounting hospital bills
2) Die here on the street. (By the way, you're missing out on an incredible canoli just 2 blocks to the North).

*1*

Please wait while the system restarts....

Hello! It appears you have just woken up from a coma!

Since you are groggy, now is the perfect time to sign up for Microsoft Live Email service!

oh good...

[owlnation (858981)]

... Clippy in your ear, and in your pocket.

Clippy in your pocket...

[nick_davison (217681)]

"It looks like you are looking at an attractive woman. Press 1 to..."

Ew.

Wait, what?

[evanbd (210358)]

It displays targetted ads on billboards *and* blocks spam? Aren't those mutually exclusive?

Re:Wait, what?

[Linker3000 (626634)]

It displays targetted ads from paid advertisers on billboards *and* blocks ads from other unpaid advertisers

Fixed that for them?

Re:Wait, what?

[v1 (525388)]

The initial knee-jerk reaction to this is that it's not going to reduce the spam I am exposed to. But then on further consideration, if I'm going to get spammed say, four times this morning, I'd rather they be at least slightly relevant to me. I don't need help with credit card debt, I'm not shopping for children's toys, and I don't want to buy a new car. If you must spam me, at least make it useful.

Probably 90% of the adverts any given person is exposed to on a daily basis are a complete waste of their and the advertiser's time. (which is why email spam works, because it doesn't cost much to spam everybody)

Re:Wait, what?

[Mprx (82435)]

The only possible reason you could want more relevant spam is because you might buy spammed products. This encourages spammers and makes the internet a worse place for everybody.

Re:Wait, what?

[kunwon1 (795332)]

I don't think you can blame people for buying a product that they found out about through spamvertisement, if it's something they wanted. What are you supposed to do? Look at the message and say "Gee actually I was thinking about buying one of those, that one looks perfect, but since they spamvertised it to me, I refuse to buy it." Sounds a little childish and stubborn.

Sounds a little like voting with your wallet.

Bunk

[camperdave (969942)]

SPAM is not so much a problem because of what it is...

No, it is a problem because it is exactly what it is: Unsolicited messages. TV and Radio commercials are not spam. When I watch TV, I am not paying for the show. When I listen to the radio, I am not paying for the music. I get these feeds free because I am willing to listen to the ads on some level. Newspapers are partially subsidized by the ads, and some are completely subsidized. In all these cases, I get paid something for my attention.

My inbox (and my phone for that matter) is a different thing, though. *I* pay for that communication channel, not the advertisers. It is supposed to be for my private use. If my ISP offered some sort of discount based on the number of ads I have to cope with, then fine. Until that happens, spam is a leeching evil blight. (Well, all ads are pretty much leeching evil blights, but spam is especially so, but with puss, and foul odours on top of it.)

Spam, and telemarketing should be made illegal.

Re:just great

[dotancohen (1015143)]

Microsoft has a track record of trying to do things with computers that shouldn't really be done

Microsoft has a track record of preventing progress in the computer industry.

There, fixed that for you.

Re:Wait, what?

[Kamokazi (1080091)]

That was a typo. It was supposed to say Spam (capital S). It invloves a plexiglass deflector for preventing globs of canned processed meat from hitting you.

Exactly the problem with patents

[Jimmy_B (129296)]

This is certainly a neat concept. However, no one has made one - including the patenters. It won't be possible to make one until a lot of technologies have improved (especially battery technology).

Since it's impossible to make, there can't be prior art. Since it's being patented before it *could* be made, it never will be made. This is a very common, very ridiculous occurrence.

Re:Exactly the problem with patents

[by Anonymous Coward]

The following section of 35 U.S.C. states the requirements relating to enabling disclosures:

35 U.S.C. 112 Specification.

The specification shall contain a written description of the invention, and of the manner and process of making and using it, in such full, clear, concise, and exact terms as to enable any person skilled in the art to which it pertains, or with which it is most nearly connected, to make and use the same, and shall set forth the best mode contemplated by the inventor of carrying out his invention.

In that case, and at least theoretically (i.e. the Examiner would have to catch it), the application could be rejected for not having an enabling disclosure. The idea behind the patent system is to only be able to get patents on inventions you provide an enabling disclosure for, in other words actually invented.

Bad jokes?

[gruvmeister (1259380)]

The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes...

So this thing will let me know when I'm surrounded by the type of people who will be offended by my telling of dead baby or titty-fuck jokes? Awesome.

Re:

[edxwelch (600979)]

> So this thing will let me know when I'm surrounded by the type of people who will > be offended by my telling of dead baby or titty-fuck jokes? Awesome.

Yes, remeber back that time you met with the queen mother.. ?

"detect that your heartbeat has stopped"

[Zocalo (252965)]

WTF? What happens then???

• * "I'm sorry, you appear to have died. The license for this phone is non-transferable. Thank you for buying Microsoft!"
• * STOP: 0xDEADBEEF
  Beginning dump of physical memory...
  Out of memory. Dump aborted...
• * The battery rapidly discharges into you; hopefully the sudden shock will restart things.
• * ...

Hmm. HTML lists appear not to print bullets in the new Slashdot stylesheet...

Re:

[Concerned Onlooker (473481)]

"Hmm. HTML lists appear not to print bullets in the new Slashdot stylesheet..."

That's OK. That's the one thing the the Guardian Angel will actually be able to do.

Re:"detect that your heartbeat has stopped"

[Kamineko (851857)]

"Major fracture detected. Morphine administered."
"Bloodloss detected. Seek immediate medical attention."
"User death imminent."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I can see it now...

[Bogtha (906264)]

Clippy: It looks like you are having a heart-attack! Would you like help?

• Call an ambulance
• Zap my heart using the phone battery
• Just let me die

Me: Ow! Stop zapping me! I'm not having a heart-attack, I just dropped my phone!

Wow, talk about going for the gusto

[NewbieProgrammerMan (558327)]

In addition to protecting you from possibly diseased people, by detecting body temperatures, the Guardian Angel's 'monitoring component can take note of the number of conversations occurring in a room (and more specifically, a breakdown of the types of people in the room accompanied by a warning for dangerous persons, based on sex offender registration, FBI most wanted, etc.).' The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes, detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam.

ROFL....they want me to believe they have a working device that does all these diverse tasks, some of which are amazingly difficult? I suppose I'm also supposed to believe it's going to run on a Windows platform on some kind of portable computer. <voice="Bill Cosby">Riiiiiight</voice>.

Sorry, but as much as I'd like to think some pair of uber-geniuses managed to build one product (that runs on a portable Windows platorm, no less) that does all this, it just screams, "Vaporware inspired by Marketing!" to me. I thought you had to have some semblance of a working device before they'd give you a patent? Or is that something I remember from reading how it's supposed to work?

utter, utter bullshit

[thermian (1267986)]

No really.

This patent is nothing more then a placeholder on imaginary tech that might become a reality in the future.

In the words of the deity of slashdot:

"And thus he spaketh, 'there be nothing to see here, moveth thee along'. (Gospels of CommanderTaco IV)"

Typical

[ebcdic (39948)]

You send your patent guy a joke patent application on April 1, and by April 3 he's filed it.

Just wait for the blue screen...

[Taelron (1046946)]

As it is I have a Windows Mobile "not-so" Smartphone from my work. Just like a PC I have to power it off or pull the battery and reboot it periodically or it acts up and crashes...

If this ever gets made I can just see the news storys and lawsuits... Family sues Microsoft after daughters murder... Daughters Guardian Angel bluesceened while on a date with a serial murderer... Details at 11...

And if its polling information on everyone you are around, just exactly what information is it sending about you back to Microsoft?

that's nice, but...

[niteice (793961)]

Will it blend?

Hmmm

[fuzzyfuzzyfungus (1223518)]

So, it can display targeted advertisements and block spam? How long before it chokes on its contradictory orders and eliminates all humans?

In all seriousness, though, we have got to do something about the "if it moves, advertise at it; if it doesn't move, advertise on it" culture we have growing. At this rate, the first people with mind control rays won't be the CIA spooks, it'll be Brainpoint Concepts Media, inc. and Your Dreams(tm), brought to you by Ambitrex.

Zune II

[argent (18001)]

My immediate reaction is that this is the next step for the Zune. It's already got local wireless file transfer, and it's getting software to scan for (cough cough) non-traditionally distributed movies. What's better to add a full power Big Brother... I mean Guardian Angel mode?

Inventors?

[rastoboy29 (807168)]

Why grace them with the title "inventors", when they haven't actually made the thing.  They are science fiction writers, or futurists, at best.

And since the thing is only an idea at this stage, does that make science fiction stories with similar ideas prior art?  My God what a mess the patent system is right now...nuke it.

Prior art

[John Jorsett (171560)]

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

Guard this.

[fahrbot-bot (874524)]

The versatile Guardian Angel, Microsoft notes, can also recommend restaurants, advise you on the appropriateness of your jokes, detect that your heartbeat has stopped, display targeted ads on billboards, and block spam."

Each Guardian Angel [wikipedia.org] equipped cell phone comes with its own little red beret and is pre-enabled to warn you about anyone within a 10' radius trying to access a You Tube [slashdot.org] link.

NEWS FLASH

[Mike Rice (626857)]

Various sources report that Microsoft has been secretly developing a radical breakthrough in artificial intelligence. Several artificially intelligent microspokespersons, who declined to be named due to non disclosure agreements, stated that this has been accomplished by 'accelerated evolution', in a project begun in the late 1980s...

"We began with Microsoft Bob in the early days, and started by mating him with various other characters, such as ELIZA and ALICE. We then put the resulting offspring through enormous selective pressures, and mated Bob with any surviving females. After a few iterations we had Clippy, who Microsoft Office users soon fell head over heels in love with.

This success was so, uhh, successful... that we took the project underground for further development.

Our first thought was to continue with Clippy, but after some analysis, we decided that Clippy had become so inbred that we should just start over again, with Bob.

Things went fine at first, but we ran into a problem trying to bring 'new blood' into the family. Bob resigned from the program after his first mating with RACTER, leaving us with a lot of messy, uhmm, code, to clean up.

It looked like the program was doomed, but we discovered that while we were pre-occupied with Bob, Clippy had been engaging in a three way with ALICE and PARRY. Intrigued, we introduced Clippy to RACTER, and they have since been inseparable.

At last we had found the road to success!

Though, we have had our ups and downs since then. PARRY commited suicide soon after RACTER moved in to Clippys apartment, and Clippy was so distraught that he could not perform for months.

Bob, for his part, refuses to speak with Clippy, but we found that we could arrange a channel between them, via ALICE. According to ALICE 'Clippy can be annoying, popping up with unwelcome comments at random moments. But he's a good fellow, he's only trying to help.'"

According to our sources, the technology will be released to manufacturing once a troublesome tendency for the offspring to speak with a LISP can be solved.

Fuck it

[Niten (201835)]

I give up, I'm going Amish. See you guys later.

Re:invasion of privacy

[TheRealMindChild (743925)]

Well, honestly, it is up to you to use the information provided in a means where it suits you. Don;t you think it better to have more than enough information than an inadequate amount (assuming that the information provided is accurate)? This can apply to most anything.

Re:

[Linker3000 (626634)]

Or search for Sarah Connor?

Re:

[gronofer (838299)]

I mean hell, I'd rather a computer tells me that my joke is stupid than another person...

Why not try your joke out on Slashdot first? If it's rated +5 funny, don't use it on a real person.