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High-Tech Squirrels Trained to Conduct Espionage
Posted by
Zonk
on Sun Jul 22, 2007 06:37 PM
from the the-weekly-world-news dept.
from the the-weekly-world-news dept.
Pcol writes "In the July 20 issue of the Washington Post, columnist Al Kamen reports that the BBC has translated a story headlined 'spying squirrels,' published in the Iranian newspaper Resalat on the use of trained animals to conduct espionage against their country: 'A few weeks ago, 14 squirrels equipped with espionage systems of foreign intelligence services were captured by [Iranian] intelligence forces along the country's borders. These trained squirrels, each of which weighed just over 700 grams, were released on the borders of the country for intelligence and espionage purposes.' According the story the squirrels had 'GPS devices, bugging instruments and advanced cameras' in their bodies. 'Given the fast speed and the special physical features of these animals, they provide special capabilities for spying operations. Once the animals return to their place of origin, the intelligence gathered by them is then offloaded. . . .' Iranian police officials captured the squirrels before they could carry out their assignments."
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Squirrels? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Squirrels? (Score:5, Funny)
Oh, wait a minute. That was to spy on Boris and Natasha.
Never mind.
Parent
They actually tried this with cats. (Score:4, Informative)
I believe the original test subjects were released in NYC and were dead within 24 hours. See, one of the requirements for the plan to be fruitful was a high population density to increase the chance of picking up something interesting... unfortunately the level of traffic in these areas is not healthy for stray kitties with no street experience. The surgery also included a type of disabling of the cat's hunger response so that it would stay in the vicinity of the area it was released and not go running off immediately in search of food.
Here is one link to info, but I am not familiar with the site or their specific version of events: http://mprofaca.cro.net/spycats.html [cro.net].
The NPR archives should turn something up as that is where I first heard of project 'Acoustic Kitty.'
Regards.
Parent
Re:Squirrels? (Score:4, Informative)
Those responsible for sending the squirrels have been sacked.
Parent
Re:Squirrels? (Score:4, Insightful)
But if your target complains about being spied on by a trained squirrel, people will laugh at them for being paranoids.
Parent
Re:Squirrels? (Score:4, Insightful)
It is well known the CIA did this with a cat in the 60s. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_Kitty [wikipedia.org] I would be quite reasonable to expect them to have moved on to smaller animals by now. The CIA has an overwhelming need to spy on Iran. Sure this story is funny, but not really all that unlikely.
Parent
Re: (Score:3, Insightful)
I think... (Score:5, Funny)
Re: (Score:3, Insightful)
DeadSquirrel.com [deadsquirrel.com]
These guys have already been on top of this kind of stuff for years....
The Onion wants their article back (Score:5, Funny)
Squirrel-Bots (Score:4, Funny)
You know (Score:4, Funny)
CIA (Score:5, Funny)
Pistachio nuts (Score:4, Funny)
The real question (Score:4, Funny)
I've discovered how it all went down: (Score:3, Funny)
Aziz [holding a video camera, slobbering all over himself, and muttering audibly]: Ahhh yeaaaah... you go for that nut, sugar... go get it... go get it!
Squirrel [climbs tree, gets nut, eats]
Aziz [now muttering noticeably louder]: Yeah.... eat it... yeah.... that's what I'm talkin' about... ohhhhhhh yeaaaaahhhh.
Re: (Score:3, Informative)
William Hanna Was a Visionary (Score:4, Funny)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_Squirrel [wikipedia.org]
The Other Animals Are Agin' Us (Score:5, Funny)
By Tim Bedore 2003
URL: http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm [vaguebuttrue.com]
Did you see that in the paper the other day about those carp in the Mississippi River jumping into boats and bonking fisherman in the head? It's true. They're called big head carp, they're from Asia and they're attacking and severely injuring many fisherman.
Biologists claim the roar of boat motors agitates and excites these carp and they jump towards the sound but I think these biologists are naively missing an obvious connection. Fish are attacking fisherman. For the fish it's get them before they get you, kill or be killed. Even if these fisherman are practicing catch and release, that's a very painful, embarrassing experience for any fish and apparently they have had it.
What about the increase in mountain lion attacks? Great White sharks moving closer to shore? Moose have been showing up in towns and stomping on people. A squirrel was in my living room last spring. Am I the only one that sees a pattern here? People, wise up! The other animals are against us. It doesn't take a genius to see there's an inter-species conspiracy to thwart the urban expansion of man.
How do the squirrels fit in? Surveillance. They spy on what we people are doing in the cities and report back to the bigger species out there on the front lines.
And taken together these other species represent walking, we hope not yet talking, scratching, biting weapons of mass destruction. And if these other species can convince the insect world, for example a well known anti-human group like the killer bees, to join up our way of life and our democracy could be history.
The skeptical may ask why would these other species want to hurt us? Obviously, they hate us. They are jealous of our way of life. We swim in chlorinated, safe environment pools, then towel off and have an adult beverage. They are stuck eating sludge in the Mississippi, a river polluted by guess who: their mortal enemy man. And to top it all off we eat them.
This invasion of Asian carp is no accident. This is stage one of their well planned attack. We ignore the obvious at our own peril.
We can no longer sit back and wait for them to attack us. It's time we adopt a new doctrine regarding these other animals. We have to wipe out any and all species who are a lined against us, wherever they are. We can not rest until every big head carp, great white shark, mountain lion, moose and squirrel and any other species that associates with them are defeated.
If the U.N. wants to get involved fine, if not we can do it alone. Of course the British will show up, they always do, but we will fight to protect our way of life. And if you don't agree, you're an unpatriotic idiot who hates America.
Obligatory (Score:3, Informative)
And can someone please tell me if this post is a joke or if Iranians really think US is using squirrels, or if Iranians made this up for propoganda? Who's going to believe this...
Iranian news mistook satire for truth before (Score:3, Interesting)
Two years ago, a iranian news agency found this fake interview and thought it was a reliable news source. They broke the story and there was a big bruha in Iran. The german consulate in Tehran even had to issue an official denial
Re: (Score:3, Insightful)
That's still nothing compared to when the Beijing Evening News translated and reprinted an Onion article about Congress going on strike and threatening to move to another city because they wanted a retractible dome, better seating and parking, and more concession stands and bathrooms for the Capitol Building, complete with illustrations. They had to issue a formal retraction.
Hey Rocky! (Score:5, Funny)
Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Presto!
Ahmadinejad: ROAR!!!
Bullwinkle: Oops, wrong hat.
Man-eating badgers in Iraq (Score:5, Funny)
Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.
But several of the creatures, caught and killed by local farmers, have been identified by experts as honey badgers.
The rumours spread because the animals had appeared near the British base at Basra airport.
UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.
Re: (Score:3, Funny)
Translation: We don't need no stinking Badgers.
Well of course they are denying it. Those Badgers were told if captured we will disavow any knowledge of you or your activities.
The real trick is teaching these Badgers to eat only insurgents.
Re: (Score:3)
Hunter Thompson pointed out that one of the most effective techniques in politics is to make your opponent take time to respond to outlandish rumors: "I am not, nor have I ever been, a pigfucker."
Re: (Score:3, Funny)
But me and Suad don't go out no more because of those things.
Re: (Score:3, Funny)
You should have bought a SQUIRREL! (Score:4, Informative)
But seriously, the CIA tried something like that with a cat: http://mprofaca.cro.net/spycats.html [cro.net] "They tested him and tested him. They found he would walk off the job when he got hungry, so they put another wire in to override that."
And there have always been rumors about the Navy training dolphins. Given how capable trained dolphins are, that wouldn't be too surprising to me.
But squirrels? Can squirrels be trained? Why mess around with trained squirrels when they can use paid humans?
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Mailboxes Etc in Beverly Hills [mailboxesb...s90210.com]
Re: (Score:3, Informative)
I also recall news stories about dolphins used to clear mines from the Persian Gulf several years ago.
Ah, wikipedia to the rescue, lots of solid references listed:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_dolphins [wikipedia.org]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Navy_Marine_Mamm al_Program [wikipedia.org]
Mmmm (Score:4, Funny)
the Iranian newspaper Resalat (Score:3, Funny)
On Resalat and more.... (Score:5, Informative)
I occasionally read those when I was in Iran and believe it or not they are FoxNews-made-in-Iran. Anyway, try not to take them serious.
just thought someone might be interested!
Parent
Nice catch, Boris... (Score:5, Funny)
What's next? (Score:3, Insightful)
Wiki article covers technology (Score:3, Insightful)
Source? (Score:3, Interesting)
Poor Squirrels (Score:3, Interesting)
Although the UK had some rather nasty ideas of their own:
"A thousand pigeons, each with a two ounce explosive capsule, landed at intervals on a specific target might be a seriously inconvenient surprise."
Re:It's hard to believe (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
I don't know (Score:4, Funny)
Parent
Re:I don't know (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Correct terminology (Score:3, Funny)
Since these squirrels no doubt came from Asia, this clearly should be called a Redundant Array of Independent Dremomys [wikipedia.org].
(Yes, I spent too much time researching what became a very lame joke. :P)
Re: (Score:3, Funny)
Re:It's hard to believe (Score:4, Funny)
Squirrels must maintain radio silence. Otherwise the Iranians could get a lock with their anti-squirrel missiles. It is a major investment of time and money to train a squirrel for espionage, and even if one doesn't care about the lives of these brave little critters, that investment must be protected.
Parent
Re: (Score:3, Funny)
I knew it!
Veruca Salt has a hand in this!
It's obvious she was thrown into the garbage chute because she was going to interfere with their real work. Cracking open the nuts was just a diversion.
Re:It's hard to believe (Score:5, Funny)
Everybody knows they can keep secrets.
Parent
Anybody think seriously about this? (Score:3, Interesting)
Not to say I think it is real; however, its not unrealistic. A great deal of brain research is performed upon rodents and there is a lot of military related funding on technology of interest and its not impossible to have even a decade lead on some t
Re:If only they wait... (Score:4, Funny)
Parent
Re: (Score:3, Insightful)
Bad propaganda works. Remember the more than sixteen thousand weapons of mass destruction sites and the bit about London getting hit by missiles from Iraq with only a warning of a few minutes. In Russia there was the magic British spy rock with cameras, microphones and a transmitter (at least a little more credible but it wasn't there), so now from Iran we have acoustic kitty revived as secret squirrels for propaganda. Silly but not completely impossible - we saw with
Re:They shoulda used their noggins (Score:5, Informative)
If necessary, they could also indoctrinate the squirrels with rumors of 72 virgin squirrels awaiting them in the afterlife.
They tried, but:
1) Squirrels are better at math than jihadis. They spot the 72 virgin con easily.
2) Squirrels aren't all that picky about the virgin thing anyhow.
Actually, we have had problems with suicidal squirrels around here. Every once in a while the power will go out and they'll find a very crispy squirrel near a chewed-on power cable. I don't think that tiny little bomb vests would add much to the effect.
Sending in secret ninja squirrels to rescue the American hostages in Iran [ocregister.com] is sadly more likely than any other forceful action to get them released.
Parent